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Have you ever had an unwanted sexual experience? Mod warning in op - updated 6/3/18

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    #572
    MilesMorales1
    Registered Users Posts: 6,431 ✭✭✭MilesMorales1


    Just to put my own experience in here, the religious figure who abused me and several other children (<mod snip>name removed</mod snip> Holy family parish in Pensby) was never disciplined or punished or prosecuted, he disappeared quietly one day and we never heard of him again. And this wasn’t a 1970s or 1980s thing, this was 2003 if I’m recalling correctly. And the authorities knew perfectly well what was going on, all got swept under the rug.


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    #573
    Tramore Tilly
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Tramore Tilly


    MilesMorales1 wrote: »
    Just to put my own experience in here, the religious figure who abused me and several other children (<mod snip>name removed</mod snip> Holy family parish in Pensby) was never disciplined or punished or prosecuted, he disappeared quietly one day and we never heard of him again. And this wasn’t a 1970s or 1980s thing, this was 2003 if I’m recalling correctly. And the authorities knew perfectly well what was going on, all got swept under the rug.

    That is very disappointing to read. For you to speak up and it to be brushed away so recently is very disturbing. Can you get records from the church under freedom on information? Is Pensby in the UK? Maybe you don't want to?


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    #574
    Cian_ok
    Registered Users Posts: 140 ✭✭Cian_ok


    Greentopia wrote: »
    Thank you for doing that and being so self aware. It's a simple thing to do but really does make women feel safer at night especially when a man does such a small act of consideration for us.

    This is a slight aside from this thread so apologies.

    Scenario: I'm walking home late at night from the bus-stop (this is a darkish road with a footpath on only one side - so the option of crossing the street isn't valid) and say there a woman walking the same way but she's ahead of me. I don't want to worry her. Which is less worrisome:
    1. to keep walking behind her (and stay ~30m behind) - (is this a good distance?)
    2. to try to walk faster than her, and overtake her out, and then keep going? - is this freaky if someone is 'chasing' you?

    I usually try to get off the bus first (if there are others getting off) - so I'm not behind them, because I don't want to freak people out.

    Thanks


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    #575
    scdublin
    Registered Users Posts: 643 ✭✭✭scdublin


    I've had the usual (can't even believe how many girls/guys have to consider this usual or normal) bum grab or boob grab. Caught one guy grabbing my ass several times at a bar as I was ordering a drink and I lay into him telling him it wasn't okay and did he seriously expect me to think it was flattering? He just thought it was funny as did his friends.

    I was on holiday with two male friends and we'd got talking to an older barman who seemed really cool, so they asked him to come along to a club with us when he finished work. In the club at one stage I was on my own with this guy and he said we should dance, so we did have a dance but he thought this would be a great opportunity to feel me up, including grabbing my vagina. I walked away and ignored him when he tried to talk to me, texted my friends to hurry back and when the first one came back he told him he should probably leave which he did.

    A more serious experience (to me anyway) was when I was working in a nightclub in a different country and my manager and I were in an office alone - he had suggested a friend and I have a drink with him as there had just been a bit of an argument with other staff over shifts. He sent her back to work once she finished hers and said while pointing to his cheek "my fee, my fee", suggesting that she kiss him on the cheek which she did. I realised this was not normal and alarm bells were ringing. The music was blaring outside and I think he might have locked the door but I've kind of blurred it out tbh. He sat really close to me, put his hands on my leg and started moving them up my shorts. Made some creepy comments. I genuinely thought he was going to try to rape me and no one would hear me scream over the music. You always think you'll freak out and tell the person to f*ck off or fight but I just wanted to get the hell out so I knocked back my drink and said I should get back to work. I bolted for the door and he was saying "no, no have another drink" but I was out of there. I found out later other girls had similar experiences with him.


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    #576
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 21,679 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Cian_ok wrote: »
    This is a slight aside from this thread so apologies.

    Scenario: I'm walking home late at night from the bus-stop (this is a darkish road with a footpath on only one side - so the option of crossing the street isn't valid) and say there a woman walking the same way but she's ahead of me. I don't want to worry her. Which is less worrisome:
    1. to keep walking behind her (and stay ~30m behind) - (is this a good distance?)
    2. to try to walk faster than her, and overtake her out, and then keep going? - is this freaky if someone is 'chasing' you?

    I usually try to get off the bus first (if there are others getting off) - so I'm not behind them, because I don't want to freak people out.

    Thanks

    Just be your natural self and don't second guess your actions. Get off the bus whenever suits you and, well just walk.


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    #577
    Raging_Ninja
    Registered Users Posts: 1,717 ✭✭✭Raging_Ninja


    Cian_ok wrote: »
    This is a slight aside from this thread so apologies.

    Scenario: I'm walking home late at night from the bus-stop (this is a darkish road with a footpath on only one side - so the option of crossing the street isn't valid) and say there a woman walking the same way but she's ahead of me. I don't want to worry her. Which is less worrisome:
    1. to keep walking behind her (and stay ~30m behind) - (is this a good distance?)
    2. to try to walk faster than her, and overtake her out, and then keep going? - is this freaky if someone is 'chasing' you?

    I usually try to get off the bus first (if there are others getting off) - so I'm not behind them, because I don't want to freak people out.

    Thanks

    You have a right to use the footpath as well regardless of who else is on it. If that makes others uncomfortable, that is their problem, not yours.


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    #578
    DEFTLEFTHAND
    Registered Users Posts: 16,500 ✭✭✭✭DEFTLEFTHAND


    freshpopcorn wrote: »
    hqdefault.jpg

    That's Rossa Morbeg. He went missing in 2005.

    He went to Calabria to meet with senior N'Drangneta figures and never returned. His wife received the socks from his head in the mail about a week later and that was the last trace.

    The'Begs were heavily involved in narcotics trafficking at the time of his disappearance. His sister Molly is currently serving a ten stretch at the Dochas Centre for Racketeering and intimidation of a witness.


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    #579
    erica74
    Registered Users Posts: 2,619 ✭✭✭erica74


    DEFTLEFTHAND wrote: »
    That's Rossa Morbeg. He went missing in 2005.

    He went to Calabria to meet with senior N'Drangneta figures and never returned. His wife received the socks from his head in the mail about a week later and that was the last trace.

    The'Begs were heavily involved in narcotics trafficking at the time of his disappearance. His sister Molly is currently serving a ten stretch at the Dochas Centre for Racketeering and intimidation of a witness.

    Wrong thread? :pac:


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    #580
    end of the road
    Registered Users Posts: 28,998 ✭✭✭✭end of the road


    erica74 wrote: »
    Wrong thread?

    it was a responce to post 13 in this thread.
    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=106185673&postcount=13

    ticking a box on a form does not make you of a religion.



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    #581
    erica74
    Registered Users Posts: 2,619 ✭✭✭erica74


    end of the road wrote: »
    it was a responce to post 13 in this thread.
    https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=106185673&postcount=13

    Ah okay, I couldn't figure out the relevance:pac:


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    #582
    MilesMorales1
    Registered Users Posts: 6,431 ✭✭✭MilesMorales1


    Tramore Tilly wrote: »
    That is very disappointing to read. For you to speak up and it to be brushed away so recently is very disturbing. Can you get records from the church under freedom on information? Is Pensby in the UK? Maybe you don't want to?

    It is in the UK, its about 25 minutes drive from Liverpool. Won't mention the name again but I didn't find out till recently (well 2010 odd) how widespread his abuse was, and that the authorities had been made aware years ago, but didn't act on the information till he was quietly moved onto another parish,


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    #583
    downwesht
    Registered Users Posts: 526 ✭✭✭downwesht


    I was groomed by a presentation brother in 3rd class in the late 70s.He used to keep me behind after school to clean the goldfish tank in our classroom.When I went to the toilet to get water for the tank he used to follow me in and take a piss in the urinal in front of me,he tried to kiss and fondle me on a few occasions ....I can still see his face and bulging eyes.....he used to get lads in the class to stand in front of him to answer questions while he fondled them.....I can't understand why none of us spoke out about it even though we discussed it between ourselves....naive I suppose.He was moved to Bray before the year ended.....much to our relief.I know he must be dead now ,deep down I would love to see him named and shamed but what good would it do?


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    #584
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    Some of you have been subject to horrific injustices. For kids to be abused by someone who was known to abuse is the greatest failure of a society. You deserved much better and I hope you're doing okay. Your stories are heartbreaking and I think you're all wonderful to be able to articulate them so well. I'm sure you're helping others in doing it.


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    #585
    myshirt
    Registered Users Posts: 5,245 ✭✭✭myshirt


    I was watching The Snapper the other night (I have it on DVD), and while it is a hilarious film there is actually some very serious sociological commentary and political undertones at play.

    I remember when this first came out. How many were looking down on Sharon Curley, pregnant at 19, not married, and bringing shame on the family. All until you find out what happened her. It just goes to show, you should not judge.

    Even when you do find out what happened her, she can't even tell anyone, not even her best friend. She must suffer alone. So the girl internalises it and to process what happened her she has to convince herself it was a wild spur of the moment liaison with a Spanish sailor/Pakistani Postman.

    Hilarious film but also held up a mirror to Irish people of how we treated young girls pregnant out of wedlock.

    Does end on a good note though, and Dessie was right, "F#ck the neighbours".


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    #586
    Tramore Tilly
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Tramore Tilly


    downwesht wrote: »
    He was moved to Bray before the year ended.....much to our relief.I know he must be dead now ,deep down I would love to see him named and shamed but what good would it do?

    I know. What good is it if they're dead. Sometimes it doesn't even do any good if they're alive going by what yourself and MilesMorales are saying and many others out there. Moving them around....I mean on what planet is that ever the 'go to' option?

    Where the ones have been named and no justice brought you have to hope the shame of being outed would affect them somehow. It's a tall ask...But you'd hope they'd have some humanity. My grandad was so very nice to me in front of others. You'd have to think they spend their lives bricking it on some level? *hopefully*
    MilesMorales1 wrote: »
    It is in the UK, its about 25 minutes drive from Liverpool. Won't mention the name again but I didn't find out till recently (well 2010 odd) how widespread his abuse was, and that the authorities had been made aware years ago, but didn't act on the information till he was quietly moved onto another parish,

    You hear of it happening in the 70s and 80s, but I really thought 2003 would have brought better dealings of it.


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    #587
    koumi
    Closed Accounts Posts: 646 ✭✭✭koumi


    not me myself personally, at least as a child, I've had difficult encounters as an adult but reading through some of these posts and it definitely is not for the faint of heart. It's been bringing up some stuff that I would have preferred not to dwell on but I knew a girl who had been sexually abused by her mothers step father as a child. I didn't know much about the situation but became aware after she had made a number of suicide attempts. It was during her stay in hospital when she explained that her mother was actually a psychiatric nurse and as she had access to services would often use it when she was working to keep her "safe".
    That was troubling and still troubles me but then she explained that her mother had also been abused by that bastard and I asked if he had been reported. She described how it was difficult because of circumstances.
    Basically, the girl was locked up on psych and medicated to the teeth, under her mothers supervision, while her pedo grandfather was free to roam the earth.

    I remember one night she described how she had passed him while driving through the town earlier and she said she had to stop herself from trying to kill him with the car. I'd have thought some justice might have been served if she had done.

    I often find myself wondering if any of it, any little part of it was right and in the same way she had to stop herself from pushing the pedal to the metal, I find myself trying not to go looking for her mother and asking her wtf are you doing.

    (I say girl, she was 24 at the time I knew her so would probably be in her thirties now)


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    #588
    Obi_Wan_Kenobi
    Registered Users Posts: 73 ✭✭Obi_Wan_Kenobi


    Reading through this thread - absolutely shocking stuff!!!

    I can't believe this is so common, especially with kids!

    Just goes to show how vulnerable kids are, I'll be really paranoid now as my kids grow up.


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    #589
    statina
    Registered Users Posts: 330 ✭✭statina


    Wibbs wrote: »
    Again - and it's understandable - you're giving a good demonstration of how mob rule tends to work. In every narrative there are three sides; one side, the other and the truth. Whenever society puts too much weight on either of the first two, it's not good. At all*. Justice in a civilised society attempts or should attempt to tease out the last one.




    *on the subject matter of the thread examples would be certain societies that automatically assume the woman is at fault QV: Iran and not so long ago many western societies including our own. Idiotic. Equally idiotic is to automatically assume the man is always at fault. That pendulum can swing too damned far in the other direction in the search for a balance. And IMHO we're seeing that at the moment in the West.

    Don't agree with this Wibbs, people have been silenced for far too long.


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    #590
    Silentcorner
    Registered Users Posts: 6,191 ✭✭✭Silentcorner


    Obi_Wan_Kenobi wrote: »
    Reading through this thread - absolutely shocking stuff!!!

    I can't believe this is so common, especially with kids!

    Just goes to show how vulnerable kids are, I'll be really paranoid now as my kids grow up.

    Up until a few years ago, the threat to kids usually came from within the family or small circle of outside of that....

    Now, through social media apps, we have unleashed a heap of twisted strangers on our children on top of that....

    Something is very wrong with society when young kids are sending naked pics of themselves....


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    #591
    erica74
    Registered Users Posts: 2,619 ✭✭✭erica74


    downwesht wrote: »
    I was groomed by a presentation brother in 3rd class in the late 70s.He used to keep me behind after school to clean the goldfish tank in our classroom.When I went to the toilet to get water for the tank he used to follow me in and take a piss in the urinal in front of me,he tried to kiss and fondle me on a few occasions ....I can still see his face and bulging eyes.....he used to get lads in the class to stand in front of him to answer questions while he fondled them.....[bold]I can't understand why none of us spoke out about it even though we discussed it between ourselves....naive I suppose.[/bold] He was moved to Bray before the year ended.....much to our relief.I know he must be dead now ,deep down I would love to see him named and shamed but what good would it do?

    I often wonder about this myself. For me, I think it was shame and just not understanding what was happening, fear of the unknown. I know that sometimes after he abused me, my brother would seem cross, angry maybe, and I thought that was anger at me. I didn't know wtf was happening, I was 8 - 12 years old. I think my secrecy was informed by my abusive mother and alcoholic father - I was keeping those secrets and I just added another one to keep. Secrecy was basically just part of me.

    If any of the above is too distressing for anyone to read, please let me know and I'll delete.


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    #592
    MilesMorales1
    Registered Users Posts: 6,431 ✭✭✭MilesMorales1


    Reading through some of these posts, it makes me think some of you guys are much braver and stronger than I was, or am right now, since I've spent all these years letting my demons and pain about the stuff what happened consume me over and over again.


    Secondly, I don't know if time heals wounds, but it gets a lot easier over time. Certain memories get easier to feel.


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    #593
    mr chips
    Registered Users Posts: 608 ✭✭✭mr chips


    Tramore Tilly wrote: »
    You'd have to think they spend their lives bricking it on some level? *hopefully*

    I know of one situation where a perpetrator wasn't reported, so as to protect the victim in adulthood (who didn't want to take it further). However, once the knowledge was out there, the occasional letter was left in with the malicious bastard by a couple of different people. Sometimes threatening to out him, sometimes threatening to end him and exactly how, including details that would make him know that he was being watched and for what reason. It wasn't constant, maybe every two years or so - just enough to make sure he was constantly looking over his shoulder and then had enough time to start hoping that maybe it had all finally gone away, before getting the next letter.


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    #594
    [Deleted User]
    Posts: 21,679 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    @Miles, I don't believe there is a "right" way for dealing with such awful experiences. Everyone's journey is different. Please don't think you aren't strong because of how you cope. I always say that sometimes its enough just to wake in the morning and even if you don't always manage to put your feet to the floor, you are alive.


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    #595
    erica74
    Registered Users Posts: 2,619 ✭✭✭erica74


    MilesMorales1 wrote: »
    Reading through some of these posts, it makes me think some of you guys are much braver and stronger than I was, or am right now, since I've spent all these years letting my demons and pain about the stuff what happened consume me over and over again.


    Secondly, I don't know if time heals wounds, but it gets a lot easier over time. Certain memories get easier to feel.

    Some days it consumes me and some days it's out of my head. Everyone moves at their own pace. My sister and I were both abused by our brother and even our individual "journeys" through this maze is completely different and progresses totally differently.
    You know what you need and what way to move.


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    #596
    tritium
    Registered Users Posts: 7,437 ✭✭✭tritium


    leggo wrote: »
    See you’re reading something I’m not saying into it. I’m saying “we as lads” because I’m a man and can’t say “we as women or trans people”. I’m not saying that the problem is all men’s either, I’ve specifically gone out of my way to say in this very thread “let’s not make this a #NotAllMen” discussion, pointing fingers or trying to absolve responsibility solves nothing. Also keep in mind I’m a man who has posted stories in this thread about unwanted sexual contact from women.

    It’s just let’s also not pretend that men and women are the same and have the same shared experiences and issues. There are, for sure, things that women needs to look at too. It’s just that my penis makes me supremely unqualified to be the one to discuss them with any kind of authority.

    You don’t need to be qualified. One of The saddest thingsin this thread is how many individuals of both genders have experienced abuse from other individuals of both genders where that abuse was almost a social norm. Men and women both need to start asking questions of their social groups and in some cases I’d wager of themselves. We use alcohol and a bit of craic to excuse a hell of a lot tbh and in my experience are piss poor at taking responsibility


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    #597
    Tramore Tilly
    Registered Users Posts: 38 ✭Tramore Tilly


    MilesMorales1 wrote: »
    Reading through some of these posts, it makes me think some of you guys are much braver and stronger than I was, or am right now, since I've spent all these years letting my demons and pain about the stuff what happened consume me over and over again.


    Secondly, I don't know if time heals wounds, but it gets a lot easier over time. Certain memories get easier to feel.

    I feel the same. Others are way stronger and braver than me because they spoke out. I never did so I could always pretend it never happened. I have cracked a good few times and the only control of it I get is if I bury it again.

    There is no rule book for getting over it...or if there is I haven't found it :pac: . The memories can be an awful c*nt. But they are memories now. They are not half as bad as going through it. You suffered enough, don't let the demons punish you too.


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    #598
    statina
    Registered Users Posts: 330 ✭✭statina


    Heartbreaking thread. I am so sorry for the people that suffered abuse.


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    #599
    Wibbs
    Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 60,104 Mod ✭✭✭✭Wibbs


    statina wrote: »
    Don't agree with this Wibbs, people have been silenced for far too long.
    I note you edited your post from originally "women" to "people". Which is cool and I would agree. This is clearly a people thing, not some imported US "gender war" nonsense.

    My point was regarding mob rule and how that should be something to be rigorously avoided by any sane society and how going from one idiotic extreme to the other should be avoided too. And I stand by that.

    Rejoice in the awareness of feeling stupid, for that’s how you end up learning new things. If you’re not aware you’re stupid, you probably are.



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    #600
    robarmstrong
    Registered Users Posts: 1,598 ✭✭✭robarmstrong


    When I was younger I was at a house party and got absolutely p1ssed, I really shouldn't have but sure look we all do stupid stuff when we were younger.

    This particular house party nearly cost me everything and often left me contemplating suicide. Basically I went upstairs to one of the rooms to lie down (as ya would when your head is spinning!!!) and I was followed upstairs by a girl who'd been eyeing me up the whole night. So I wake up in the middle of her bouncing away on top of me (bit graphic sorry) and I was literally too drunk, too tired and too groggy to do anything so I just let it happen... bad move because she ended up actually having a boyfriend who found out about it (he was a scumbag, one of those fools that walk around with knives on them and just cause trouble everywhere).

    So she threw me under the bus and told everyone that she didn't cheat on him, that I raped her and from that point onward my life became quite literally, hell. I had no problem with people coming up to me and trying to start a fight because I was more than capable of defending myself but when it really sunk in it hit me harder than anything, people thought I was a rapist, teenagers, adults, friends, etc. This went on for quite a few months until eventually she let it slip in an argument with her fella that she wasn't raped, she just ****ed me to spite him.

    In fairness to him, despite his scumbaggery ways, he did everything in his power to undo the damage she did, he told as many people as he could that she lied about what I did and shortly afterwards nobody believed a thing she said and well I was cleared of it all.

    Guess she was the true scumbag rather than him.


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    #601
    Katgurl
    Registered Users Posts: 2,143 ✭✭✭Katgurl


    This thread is amazing. The stories are harrowing but at least they are getting told. I had no idea this was so widespread and I think the people sharing are doing such a brave and necessary thing.

    I am pregnant and this has shown me how much I need to inform myself so I can try to protect my child. I will in particular be paying attention to what a previous poster said about teaching her child how to give consent; to anyone (aunties etc) and for anything (hugs etc).

    One of my nieces absolutely hates being hugged. She has done since the age of about four or five. She stopped speaking in public at roughly the same age. My mother had always maintained that she thinks something happened to her in creche. I always thought my mother was being dramatic. Now I think we may have all put our heads in the sand. We always treated the hugs thing as a joke and grabbed her anyway, I thought better than leaving her out. My head is in a spin now.


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