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Now ye're talking - to an au pair

  • 24-09-2018 2:20pm
    #1
    Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    Today's guest has worked as an au pair in the past for five years altogether with different families in Ireland. She cared for children of various ages, at one time including a new baby and was also a live-in carer for an elderly woman for a year.


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Comments

  • Moderators, Education Moderators, Sports Moderators Posts: 10,169 Mod ✭✭✭✭artanevilla


    Is it common in Ireland to sign an NDA? Do you have many dirty secrets on families?


  • Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭Boards.ie: Niamh
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    We'll leave out the porn scene questions, thanks. Couple of posts deleted there.


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    Is it common in Ireland to sign an NDA? Do you have many dirty secrets on families?

    Hi, I've had quite a lot of friends in the aupair circles over the years, and I've never heard of anyone signing an NDA.

    It's more of a common courtesy really. You live with the family, you get to see everything. You get to see the parents at their best and at their worst, you hear everything that's going on, you hear them gossiping about the neighbours, their jobs, their boss, so you would have quite a lot of material to hand if you ever wanted to get them in trouble.

    However, what you have to remember is that it goes both ways and they get to see you at your worst as well.

    Also you can't forget that aupairs rely on the host family, they usually don't have anywhere else to go, they usually won't have much money saved up, so you want to keep things in the house peaceful.

    I remember there was one aupair who arrived to the family and about a week later it turned out that she was taking pictures of the house and was showing it to random people and to the neighbours to complain how messy the place is, of course the mom found out, turns out that the aupair was already doing this from her second day in the house.

    The hostmom gave her money for a flight home, paid her for her time there, told her to pack her things and get out the same evening. So the aupair was gone, but the reputation of being the ones with the messy house stayed in the neighbourhood long after.


  • Registered Users Posts: 6,158 ✭✭✭frag420


    Are you free for a few hours Fri night?


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    frag420 wrote: »
    Are you free for a few hours Fri night?

    Have a look on Facebook, lots of aupairs looking for babysitting opportunities ;)


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  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 11,920 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Are you really made to feel part of the family or more like the hired help?

    Have you had any bad experiences or outstandingly good experiences? A friend told me about a wealthy family he knew who, when their au pair was leaving, they gifted her the relatively new car that she had been driving the kids around in all the time - very generous!


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    miamee wrote: »
    Are you really made to feel part of the family or more like the hired help?

    Have you had any bad experiences or outstandingly good experiences? A friend told me about a wealthy family he knew who, when their au pair was leaving, they gifted her the relatively new car that she had been driving the kids around in all the time - very generous!

    I was in 7 families altogether, and I can honestly say that every single family made an effort so I can feel welcome.

    There were a few occasions though when I was wondering if they realise that I am a human being and not an equipment. This was a problem in one family in particular. They were lovely and looked after me well, but sometimes the mom would call me downstairs in the evening when her friends were over. I think that the idea was to introduce me to them, but they way she said it "This is <name>, she's my aupair. I have an aupair now" made me feel like I'm just a new thing she got and she's showing me off.

    Another thing that quite bothered me was when I wanted to be alone in my free time. I would go to my room and either read a book, or do something on the laptop. Sometimes the moms just assumed that I can help them with things, since I'm in the house and I'm not going out. I didn't mind it at the beginning, but when they made a habit out of it and asked me to mind the kids for two hours every Saturday afternoon while they go to the shop, it became quite annoying. I was basically working in my free time, for free. It bothered me and I was dying to tell them that it's my time off, but I used to be quite a chicken when it comes to standing up for myself, so I just went with whatever they wanted anyway.

    I believe that if I told them that I don't like it, they would stop, or would only ask when absolutely necessary, because I was always very lucky with my families.

    I know people who weren't that lucky though - there was an aupair a few houses up from me. She was from the same country and we had some shared interests, so we spent a lot of time together. She was an aupair for a single mom and her two kids. The mom was an alcoholic and very paranoid. The aupair wasn't allowed to close the door to her bedroom under any circumstances.

    One night, at around 2am, the mom stormed into her room and started yelling at her, accusing her for stealing her diamond earrings. She took her passport and told her that she's not allowed to leave until she returns the earrings. I was contacting the guards on her behalf to ask for an advice and they told me she needs to report it immediately.

    She got out in the end, she didn't report it to gardai, she just took her passport when the mother was passed out drunk on her couch and left. I remember sitting behind McDonald's, connected to their WiFi and trying to book a flight so she can get away.

    Never heard of a family giving anyone a car, that's amazing! One of my families bought me a used laptop when my own laptop broke. They would also often pay for my flight home for Christmas. That's always nice. :)


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 11,920 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Wow, that was pretty awful for your friend! I take it that she (and maybe you too) got your jobs on your own rather than through an agency or something?


  • Registered Users Posts: 28,043 ✭✭✭✭drunkmonkey


    How was your wages, thinking of an au pair but no idea what should be paid, do perks help a lot like weekends off, use of a car, evening off that kind of thing. Have you had some very cheap people or some overly generous.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,719 ✭✭✭pawrick


    A friend of mine worked as an au pair in Ireland when improving her English. On her last visit approx 12 years later she met up with the children of one host family which she had worked for as they had stayed in contact over all the years apart.

    Do you find it difficult when it's time to move on to the next family? I imagine it's emotionally difficult where you have a bond with the children as they grow up and another possible down side of that bond could be jealousy from the parents?


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,655 ✭✭✭draiochtanois


    This post has been deleted.


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    miamee wrote: »
    Wow, that was pretty awful for your friend! I take it that she (and maybe you too) got your jobs on your own rather than through an agency or something?

    I tried to convince her that we’ll find her another family, but she was decided that she’s going back home. We fell out of touch after she left, but the last time her name popped up on Facebook, I saw she runs her own business and is very happy. So I suppose it all happened for a reason. Maybe if she stayed here for the extra few months, she wouldn’t be where she is now.

    You’re right about the agency - I found it much easier to find someone on my own. The agency just puts you somewhere, while when you’re looking for something yourself, you can find a family you click with, and you don’t have to pay any fees for it. There used to be websites specifically for finding aupairs/families, but now it’s all running through Facebook.

    There is a group for every county, so for example you can find a group called “Aupair in Kilkenny” and post an ad that you’re looking for an aupair/family. That’s the easy part - making the decision who to go with is the most challenging bit :)


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Where are you from?
    Is this your career choice or just a stepping stone? What do you want to do ultimately?


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    How was your wages, thinking of an au pair but no idea what should be paid, do perks help a lot like weekends off, use of a car, evening off that kind of thing. Have you had some very cheap people or some overly generous.

    I left aupairing in September 2015, so my info might not be up to date anymore. I used to get between €90 and €120 a week. It always depends on what you agree on with the aupair. It also depends on how many children you have and how many hours would the aupair be working every week.

    Perks definitely help! Free weekends, en suite bedroom, car, phone, Leap card/bus money... definitely put everything you offer into your ad if you’re looking. From my own experience, the biggest ‘perk’ is a family in town/city, in the walking distance of a city/town centre. These families always get snatched first :)

    Edit: Forgot to add - if you’re thinking of getting an aupair, I recommend finding a host family group on Facebook and talk to other people who currently have aupairs, it would definitely help you get a better insight.


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    pawrick wrote: »
    A friend of mine worked as an au pair in Ireland when improving her English. On her last visit approx 12 years later she met up with the children of one host family which she had worked for as they had stayed in contact over all the years apart.

    Do you find it difficult when it's time to move on to the next family? I imagine it's emotionally difficult where you have a bond with the children as they grow up and another possible down side of that bond could be jealousy from the parents?

    While I always had a good relationship with the kids and parents, it was never too difficult for me to move on. I’m in touch with most of the families and visit them regularly. The last family I was with lives just around the corner from where I work now, so I often go there for a chat. The other families live in different towns, so it makes it more difficult to visit them, but I’m trying to see everyone at least once a year.

    The girl from my first ever family added me on Facebook and Instagram recently - she was four when I was looking after her!

    That said, there is one family where I really had trouble letting go. I came to their house when they had a little 1 year old girl. There wasn’t that much work in the house, so I really got to spend quality time with the family and with the little one. One month in the mom found out that she’s pregnant again, so I was with them through the whole pregnancy, through the move to a bigger house, I looked after their daughter when they rushed to the hospital to have the baby. Then they came back with a tiny little baby boy and I got to hold him and play with him for the first six months of his life. I really felt like part of the family here, like their equal, we always had something to talk about, they were personally responsible for my Doctor Who obsession. Then I went home for a week and when I came back, they told me that the dad got offered a fantastic job in Australia and that they are going to go there. I was heartbroken.

    We’re still in touch and I got to see them when they were on holidays in Germany, I booked a flight to Frankfurt and spent a day with them. They’ve had another baby since then and the other two kids are already in school. I feel old.

    Regarding jealousy, I never had a problem with that, but I know an aupair who was told that it’s time to leave, mostly because she was so ridiculously attached to the children. She became very possessive of them and the mom found it creepy as hell, especially when the kids started showing similar behaviors towards the aupair.


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    More likely than generosity was an affair cover-up ...

    I don’t know. You hear myths and legends, ‘I know a girl who knows a girl who knows a girl’... in my experience it’s much more likely that they were just getting a new car anyway and they wanted to help the aupair out with the car ;)


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    Where are you from?
    Is this your career choice or just a stepping stone? What do you want to do ultimately?

    I’m Czech! It was a way to get away for me, so just a stepping stone.

    I knew I want to go to Ireland, but just coming here was too scary. I decided to become an aupair because at least I had accommodation, food, and some low income sorted out. The plan was to be an aupair for 2 years and then finding a job. I got too comfortable though and stayed in the business for 5 years.

    Then I got a job in a call centre and eventually landed a dream job in social media where I am now.

    It was quite hard getting a job and a bank account sorted though, nobody warned me about that! As an aupair, I was getting cash, had prepay phone, had no bills in my name, etc. I couldn’t open a bank account without a proof of address, I didn’t have anything, I basically didn’t officially exist in the last five years.


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    Did they allow you to have bf/gf's stay over or did you always have to go to their house?

    Were you Garda vetted before starting as an au pair?

    Was there ever a time when you wanted to burst out laughing because one of the family members was being unreasonable or ridiculous over something but you had to leave the room instead?


  • Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 907 ✭✭✭Alpha_zero


    We'll leave out the porn scene questions, thanks. Couple of posts deleted there.

    Maybe you should amend the misleading title then.


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    Did they allow you to have bf/gf's stay over or did you always have to go to their house?

    Were you Garda vetted before starting as an au pair?

    Was there ever a time when you wanted to burst out laughing because one of the family members was being unreasonable or ridiculous over something but you had to leave the room instead?


    Generally speaking, boyfriends and girlfriends in the house are a no-no. Of course it depends on the family. During my aupairing years I only had a boyfriend once, and this relationship lasted through two families - one was a family with children aged 8 and 10, then I moved to an old lady’s house to be her aupair.

    The mom from the first family made it pretty clear that he’s not allowed into the house. She was very supportive of the relationship though, and very nosey, trying to get the details of my sex life :D

    The old lady was in her 90s and she just assumed that I’m waiting for my wedding night, bless her heart. The boyfriend wasn’t allowed in, so we would always sit outside in the car. One night it was really cold and I asked her if we can come to the house to watch TV. She allowed it, but her bedroom door had to stay open at all times and I had to report to her every few minutes, and when she said that it’s time for him to leave, he had to go.

    I was there mostly for the nights, and boyfriend was working through the day, and since he wasn’t allowed in much, it took a massive toll on the relationship and it ended shortly after I moved there.

    I was thinking really hard if I can remember any funny stories about parents being ridiculous.. only one comes to mind, and I will post again if I remember anything else :)

    So I went home for a week every Christmas. Once I came back and the mom collected me at the bus stop. She informed me that the youngest kid, a baby few months old, is sick and needs antibiotics.

    The next day she grabbed a big spoon and gave the baby triple of the dose he was supposed to get. The mom was all proud of herself, telling me how it’s really hard to give the baby the medicine three times a day because he always spits it out, so she gives him all three in one go.

    So that was a fun moment.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 563 ✭✭✭orthsquel


    Do you remember about a year ago, there was all the stuff in the media and laws & rights for au pairs in Ireland....? What were your feelings about that then, and did anything come of it, did anything change for au pairs?

    if you got sick as an au pair, did the family pay the cost, did they cover you with health insurance?


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    orthsquel wrote: »
    Do you remember about a year ago, there was all the stuff in the media and laws & rights for au pairs in Ireland....? What were your feelings about that then, and did anything come of it, did anything change for au pairs?

    if you got sick as an au pair, did the family pay the cost, did they cover you with health insurance?

    Great question, I was waiting for someone to ask about this! :)

    Oh I remember! It was everywhere. People at work were asking me about it, my old families were asking me about it, it was the event of the year for every aupair at that time!

    It all happened after I was already working in a call centre, so I’m not sure what impact it had on aupairs in Ireland.

    I was a little bit torn about it to be honest. On one hand I was proud of the aupair for standing up for herself, which would hopefully start a positive change in the aupair industry.

    The bigger side of me, however, was siding with the family. The whole reason why people get an aupair is because childcare is ridiculously expensive in Ireland. They invited this girl into their home and had an agreement about hours and pay. Legally, au pair is not a job, it’s more like a student program. The pay is not called wages, it’s called pocket money.

    It’s a mutually beneficial agreement - the aupair gets a roof over their head, food, has no utility bills, works some 25 hrs a week, and has cca €100 to spend every week, and the family gets someone who will fulfill the role of a big sibling in the house, looks after the kids, helps them with homework, etc. The housework aupairs do is usually nothing difficult, it’s mostly loading/unloading the dishwasher or dryer, putting away laundry, and cleaning after themselves, picking up toys after the small kids, etc. No hard chores.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think that the first aupair who took her family to court was working under fair conditions and had a good relationship with the family. They kept their part of the agreement, she still took them to court and got some €9000 from them.

    It made a lot of families paranoid, because suddenly no matter what your relationship with the aupair is like, she can still take you to court and skin you to the bone.

    I know that some people were saying that they will be no longer getting aupairs, but I’m not sure if they stuck with it.

    There was another case around the same time, but I fully supported the aupair there. The family was using her as a slave and she deserved whatever the court gave her.

    I wasn’t sick that much myself and I always bought an annual travel insurance from home, so I was covered for 100% of my medical expenses.

    I don’t think that the families are required to cover you financially when sick. I’m sure that my host families would give me a loan if I needed and then maybe let me pay it in installments, but it’s hard to imagine that they would actually pay for the doctor/drugs or cover health insurance.

    Most aupairs I knew had an insurance from home. Mine cost me about €200 a year and they covered me for absolutely everything I needed, including dental, so it works out much better than the Irish insurance:)


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,921 ✭✭✭Reati


    Practical and boring question. What's the day to day like? You talk about free time etc so what kind of hours or stuff do you have to do.

    The only person I know with an aupair had her run off with my mates husband (talk about a stereotype) so it's not something I can ask her about!


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,125 ✭✭✭mistersifter


    how do holidays work? If the family head away for 2 weeks do you still get paid?

    I know someone working as an au pair (not living with the family) and in general it's grand, but sometimes they go on holidays for a week, two weeks (even a month once) and only give a few days notice. Then the au pair doesnt get paid and is without salary. Seems a bit unfair to me and that they should pay her regardless since she is on hold for them.

    Any experience here?


  • Registered Users Posts: 21,489 ✭✭✭✭Tell me how


    Have you heard of anyone going the au pair route purely to secure accommodation?
    Do you get to do things such as laundry as and when you wish or were there restrictions when you could do so?


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    Good questions so far, thank you for all of them.

    I’ll get back to your all tomorrow morning.

    Keep them coming! :)


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    Reati wrote: »
    Practical and boring question. What's the day to day like? You talk about free time etc so what kind of hours or stuff do you have to do.

    The only person I know with an aupair had her run off with my mates husband (talk about a stereotype) so it's not something I can ask her about!

    Can’t believe that somebody actually knows an aupair who run off with someone’s husband! Impressive! :D

    You just go with the family’s normal daily routine, so it’s usually something like:
    In one family the mom would take the older kid to school, so I only took the nanny cam to my room and went back to sleep until the baby woke up. Then I would do the usual stuff you do when looking after a 1 year old – feeding, nappies, playing with her or reading her stories. Some mornings if the little one was awake, the mom would drop me to town with her and we’d go for a walk around town until the school was finished, then we all went home. There was some very light housework, like helping with the dishes, hanging laundry, hoovering the kitchen, etc.

    Then there was a family where I would get up around 7 am, it was on a farm and they had four kids, all of them under the age of 5. The kids were very active and there was lots of work to do around the house (as you can imagine, there was grass and mud everywhere from running outside and chasing cows). One of the kids really didn’t like me and tried to get me into all sorts of trouble. I thought that I have it under control, but I admit I was outsmarted by a 3 year old when he casually walked into the sitting room, looked me dead in the eye, and started peeing all over the place, then told his mom that I was shouting at him and he was so scared that he peed himself. Despite all that I really liked it here, I had a really good relationship with the mom and always had a good banter with the dad, but farm life was not for me and I was out after 3 months.

    In another family, that was the one that moved to Australia later, I think I was there pretty much just to keep the mom a company when she’s home alone with the baby. Obviously I did a few things around the house, but it was always on my own initiative, they wouldn’t ask me to clean anything up and when they saw me doing something, the thanks were endless. I would get up at around 9am and just hang out around the house, bake something with the mom (she was the BEST baker), or took the little baby out for a walk around town.

    There was one family where I had to hoover and dust every single day, just so I’m not bored. That was annoying.
    TL;DR – Depends on the number and age of the kids, but generally you get up when they’re getting up, help to get the older kids ready for school/get the babies changed, dressed and fed, and then just do the occasional housework around the house if you see that anything needs to be done, while making sure that the kids are still alive.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,921 ✭✭✭Reati


    Can’t believe that somebody actually knows an aupair who run off with someone’s husband! Impressive! :D

    Get's worse. He got the aupair pregnant and F*cked off to another women. Think it says more about him!


  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    how do holidays work? If the family head away for 2 weeks do you still get paid?

    I know someone working as an au pair (not living with the family) and in general it's grand, but sometimes they go on holidays for a week, two weeks (even a month once) and only give a few days notice. Then the au pair doesnt get paid and is a week without salary. Seems a bit unfair to me and that they should pay her regardless since she is on hold for them.

    Any experience here?

    I usually got a good notice that they’re going on holidays, and I planned my own holidays around that. Some families took me with them and paid for my flights and a hotel. It was a win-win, they had an amazing opportunity to go to the bar every night while I stayed with the kids and I visited a new place. Plus they usually bought me a large pizza for the evening. Oh, and the hotel breakfasts were also worth my time. :cool:

    One family left me at home for two weeks and paid me for the two weeks in advance. I think that there was one family that didn’t give me anything, but I don’t want to lie to you, I might not remember it correctly.
    The live-in aupair has an advantage with this I think, because at least she doesn’t need to worry about paying rent and the family usually leaves a full fridge or food money for her.

    I always thought of the live-out aupairs as freelancers, it’s much easier for the family to say “we don’t need you next week” and just leave, the aupair doesn’t live in their house, so they have no responsibilities towards her, while they have to accommodate and feed the live-in one.

    For this reason I also believe that the live-out aupair should be paid much more, they carry a bigger risk of finding themselves without any income.

    I personally never spoke to a live-out aupair, all my friends were live-in, and their holiday experiences were similar – they would just go home or travel somewhere while the family is gone.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 30 Verified rep I'm an au pair, AMA


    Have you heard of anyone going the au pair route purely to secure accommodation?
    Do you get to do things such as laundry as and when you wish or were there restrictions when you could do so?

    I knew a few aupairs who only became aupairs because it was the easiest way to get into the country. I knew an aupair who would go out partying with other people from her country every single night, come home at 3am and then spend the day on the couch. She was complaining to me and the other aupairs that her hostfamily told her that she can only go to parties at the weekends, or she has to be home by midnight. She couldn’t understand how they could even dare to say something like that to her. I went to another family shortly after this, so I’m not sure what exactly went on, but I think that somebody told me she left the family – if it was on her own accord or if the family kicked her out, that I don’t know.

    There are so many aupairs who ignore the aupair part of their stay. Lots and lots of them come to the job knowing that they can’t stand children. They honestly couldn’t care less about the kids, while the kids are the only reason they are there. So I know aupairs who would yell at the kids because they don’t know what else to do, I know of aupairs who would turn the TV on all day, just so the kids are quiet, etc.

    These girls come here just to have a good time, don’t lift a finger in the house, do bare minimum for the kids, they basically make it through the day and then fly out of the door in the evening to go out and have fun, and then they are terribly offended when the parents tell them that this is not how it works.

    So I’m not sure if that’s what you mean by becoming an aupair purely to secure accommodation, but that’s my experience. Of course there are amazing girls/and some guys becoming aupairs, don’t get me wrong! :)

    Regarding the tasks, there is a list of things somewhere that an aupair shouldn’t do. It’s not an official list, more like a guide. I don’t remember all the things on the list, but it involved cutting grass, cleaning the windows, cleaning toilets, and doing laundry. It’s generally ok to take it out of the washing machine once it’s clean, but the aupair shouldn’t be going through the dirty laundry basked sorting dark and light colours.

    I didn’t mind doing it personally, didn’t have any families that would be disgustingly dirty where I would be afraid to touch anything. Most of the laundry was coming from the kids anyway, so I wasn’t really bothered, plus I had the time and knew that it will help.

    Can’t remember any tasks that I didn’t want to do, I’m a weirdo and find enjoyment in everything, as long as I’m helping. :D


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