Looks Like the Terrible Two's Have Started at 20 Months Old - Advice?

Kintarō Hattori · 29-01-2019 11:07am #1

Hey Folks,

So our daughter has been the easiest little women to look after up until recently. Always slept well and the routine before bedtime was always the same with me (Dad) bringing her up to our room in the evening, giving her a bottle of milk, washing hands, teeth and getting her into her pjs, then a story or lying down beside the cot for a while in her room.
However that all seems to have gone out the window the last few days. Getting her ready for bed has turned into a nightmare. If I bring out the pjs she fights your trying to get her into them with a lot of giving out and pulling away of arms. She flat out refuses to let you brush her teeth anymore and getting her into the cot is a 50/50 business. She might lie down well and have some stories read to her or it could be that she just gives out a lot, cries and then it's a battle to get her down to sleep.

So my question is how to get back into a pleasant routine that's not traumatic for us all and which is calming so aiding her going to sleep. Our current routine is this:

Last meal in the evening between 6-6:45 pm. Bit of play downstairs then brought up to our bedroom around 7pm. Wash hands, play a little and then get her into pjs. The aim is to have her in her cot between 7:15-7:30pm. At the moment both of us are in our room talking to her, playing with her as it seems to work better than it just being one of us.

On another note, lately she doesn't seem to entertain herself with her toys as she once did and she seems to be quite reliant on us to entertain her. She gets very little time on the TV or phone as we've found when we let her watch a little bit she was very demanding and wanted them all of the time. She loves being read to, so we do that a lot but she's not one for playing with her toys, she likes interacting with us heavily.
While we've basically eliminated videos she's VERY taken with a Google Home Hub which is somewhat like an interactive digital photoframe. She'll go to it a few times a day and swipe through the photos on it (which are mostly of her and my partner- probably a bad idea) for a few minutes at a time. I wonder if I should really put this in a different position which she can't access. It's currently on a small sideboard in the living room and which is within easy reach of her.

Ideally apart from getting into a healthy bedtime routine, I'd like her to be a little more independent of us and able to entertain herself. While I love the attention and we love playing with her I think it's probably not too healthy in the long run.

At this age do you disciple them when they are acting the maggot? A difficulty for us is she's not speaking/babbling yet so it can be a little tricky sometimes to work out what she wants to do and I'm sure that's frustrating for her.

Many thanks.

seamus · 29-01-2019 11:37am

It's either a developmental shift, teething or sickness brewing.

Put the head down, continue with the routine, she'll settle down again in a couple of weeks.

Don't overthink it too much. The routine seemingly collapsing for a few days is relatively common. Yes, it's incredibly frustrating when you've had your evenings to yourselves and full nights sleep for a few months and then that all goes away. But stick with it and it'll come back.

If she's still all over the place after a month, then consider what you can do to get back on track.

We don't discipline our toddler who just turned two. There's no point. She doesn't really get it. She understands when you say "no", but the most effective way to stop her doing something you don't want her to do, is make it physically impossible to do it. Throwing her food? Food goes away. Annoying the dog? Dog goes into another room. When she does something "bad", you don't react, you just remove it.

Also, pick your battles. She loves to pull all the crap out of the kitchen presses and we don't really want to drill holes in the doors. So the unlocked presses have the kids bowls and plates and stuff in them. Every now and again she'll get a notion and start pulling it all out. But it's not breakable, so it doesn't matter. Annoying, sure, but much easier to let her at it than have a battle over something inconsequential. She went through a couple of months of it, now it doesn't interest her any more. We've found that it's much easier to teach kids why a rule exists rather than lay down rules and insist that they be followed "because I said so". The latter just makes rule-breaking more enticing.

In terms of demands for attention, this is relatively common on first children and is largely down to the tendency of parents to lavish attention on them. She demands your attention because she's always gotten it. You both have to be present in the room before bed. She's at the age now where she understands social interactions better and is realising that she can use her behaviour to manipulate you and get what she wants.

Now is probably a good time to try and move to more advanced solo games; things with imagination. Colouring with crayons, lego, etc. They provide slightly less structured outlets that encourage the child to be more independent in their play.

But either way, stick with it. A few days of broken routine? Very normal, don't sweat it.

shesty · 29-01-2019 11:49am

Totally normal.Terrible twos are really from 20months in my experience.Just keep at it.Not much point in discipline formally at that age.The only thing I will say is mean what you say and mean the first time.So if you say no, don't touch something, follow it up by removing her away from the item or removing it from her - don't say it halfheartedly six times, then try and distract her with something.She will know you don't really mean it then.That will stand to you in the coming couple of years....believe me.Other than that, she is being totally normal, so just find your patience and keep at her bedtime routine, same time, same place, same sequence.She will learn you aren't for moving and again, that will stand to you.She's just figured out she is a person and she can push boundaries. From a parent's viewpoint, it's not much fun!!!

Liam McPoyle · 29-01-2019 1:06pm

Our guy (21 months) has been at this stage for about a month / 6 weeks. Imo he has discovered that he doesn't simply have to do what he is told so he is testing the boundaries. Things like having his nappy changed - sometimes he is completely co-operative, sometimes he will wiggle and squirm, sometimes he will have a full blown mickey fit. Same with putting him into his chair for meals, into the car seat etc. It just depends on the mood. He gets zero screen time but loves books and being read to, he also adores music. We are lucky in that he is talking alot so he can tell us what he wants or doesn't want alot of the time. The missus got an Alexa Amazon yoke a few weeks ago and to hear him try and command her is hilarious. He was sitting in his chair a few weeks ago and said "alexa ahlakkalowridea", after repeating it 3 or 4 times I realised what he was saying was "Alexa, I'd like low rider", Low rider by War is one of his favourite songs. Sometimes its not that easy though. I reckon its just he is learning to be assertive so there isnt much you can do. One technique we discovered was when he was having a melt down, rather than trying to force him to comply, give him a kiss and a cuddle and ask him what he wants. It seems to comfort him most of the time and make him more compliant so maybe its worth trying.

Kintarō Hattori · 31-01-2019 1:06pm

Some really great advice here folks which I'll aim to put to good use. It's also good to read that it's all just totally normal. The switch from a really easy to look after baby to a toddler who's starting to assert herself is certainly taking some getting used to but it's all part of the fun and games I guess.

shesty · 31-01-2019 3:58pm

On the bad days, just remind yourself that nobody else really knows what they are doing with this parenting lark either :-)

s4uv3 · 01-02-2019 8:41pm

It's incredibly frustrating, and you need zen-like patience, but maybe the refusal to let you brush her teeth or put on pj's is her wanting to do it herself? With my wee one (23m), she responds much better if we let her do little bits. So she'll go get her pyjamas and try to put them on, then we'll help her when she gets stuck in them

Or things like the car seat, she was going mad with that, so now I open her door and while I'm shuffling around locking up etc., she'll climb in and make an attempt at buckling herself in.
I'm finding a furious shouty independence emerging ðŸ˜‚

Looks Like the Terrible Two's Have Started at 20 Months Old - Advice?

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