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Now ye're talking - to someone who's lived in a state care home

  • 01-10-2018 11:34am
    #1
    Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭Boards.ie: Niamh
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    Our guest this week spent several years living in state care homes as a child as his family had rejected him (in his words).

    He also lived on the streets at the age of 13 while the local health board tried to find a suitable place for him to live. He was expelled from school at around that time, also aged 13.

    He is now an adult with a partner and children of his own.


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Comments

  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 11,918 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    Hi op, thanks for doing this AMA. How was it that the local health boards allowed you to be homeless as a child? Could they not find a foster family or was there some other issue? How were you able to survive at that age, how did you get fed, etc.?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    miamee wrote: »
    Hi op, thanks for doing this AMA. How was it that the local health boards allowed you to be homeless as a child? Could they not find a foster family or was there some other issue? How were you able to survive at that age, how did you get fed, etc.?

    Hi there.No problem at all. I'm glad to be here :)

    The local health boards were restricted in finding suitable places for me to stay, in actual fact I was placed with 2 foster families and while I ran away from the first one I was removed by gardai from the second due to my behaviour. Social workers were to my understanding obliged to inform any potential foster family of my past from a bad behaviour/criminal perspective in advance of any agreement being put in place. naturally this led to multiple rejections.

    I was able to survive on daily food vouchers given to me by a social worker which I was able to exchange in a health board nominated restaurant.


  • Moderators, Social & Fun Moderators, Regional East Moderators, Regional North West Moderators Posts: 11,918 Mod ✭✭✭✭miamee


    What is the difference between a state care home and a foster family or is that the same thing? Sorry, I don't know much about it at all. Did you ever go back to living with family at a later age?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    miamee wrote: »
    What is the difference between a state care home and a foster family or is that the same thing? Sorry, I don't know much about it at all. Did you ever go back to living with family at a later age?

    A state care home is run by the state, it is along the lines of a foster family only that you would see some people from 9-5 Monday to Friday, others for 24 hour periods and you live with other boys, in my case, who would have care requirements that cannot be met by a foster family. The staff in these homes are fully trained professionals to deal with a manner of situations such as hostility to depression and similar situations. They have all studied psychology as part of their qualifications and work in groups of 2/3/4 sometimes more per shift depending on how many young people are in the home.

    A foster family for all intents and purposes is just like an ordinary family living on the same street as you but take in young people who are in a crisis, their home setting is no longer suitable or to put it mildly their family have just given them up., effectively abdicating their parental obligations and handing them to the foster family via the state (social work department).

    No sadly I never returned home. but in hindsight it was for the best that I didn't. I was literally the child that no one wanted where my family was concerned as was passed from pillar to post as long as I wasn't their problem.

    Social workers and care workers intervened on many an occasion to explore potential respite care but this was rejected by each of them despite taking on my other cousins for overnights/weekends/holidays etc. you could say I was literally the black sheep.

    Things with my family reached a boiling point that the local health board had to go to court to get a care order in place as I required medical treatment that my family refused to sign for and the excuse was he's your problem not ours so sort it yourselves.


  • Registered Users Posts: 189 ✭✭setanta1000


    Hi Op - Fair play for doing this AMA; particularly at this time when homelessness and family are are in the news so much.

    A few questions: I'm not sure how long ago you were state care but do you think the situation has improved (or gotten worse) now? Do you think someone in a similar position to yours would be treated any differently now?

    Looking back now do you think people or the state could or should have done anything different to deal with your situation?

    How do you look back on that time now - with anger / sadness / frustration - all of the above and more??


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  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Hi Op - Fair play for doing this AMA; particularly at this time when homelessness and family are are in the news so much.

    A few questions: I'm not sure how long ago you were state care but do you think the situation has improved (or gotten worse) now? Do you think someone in a similar position to yours would be treated any differently now?

    Looking back now do you think people or the state could or should have done anything different to deal with your situation?

    How do you look back on that time now - with anger / sadness / frustration - all of the above and more??

    Hi Setanta1000 and thank you :)

    I was in state care in the 1990s into the 2000s. When I look at one of the care unit's I was in today and compare it to my time it is very very different, children now have more of a voice than they ever did which is a good thing, while my own case was in the last 20 years and less it has definitely evolved.


    What the state did was either rightly or wrongly, they kept pushing for me to be reintegrated into the family unit and saw very quickly that it wasn't working for a variety of reasons but ploughed on with it never the less despite my own opposition to it, the reason I wasn't listened to is because I was told, oh you're a minor and have no say over what happens, we as adults have that responsibility, it doesn't happen anymore thankfully as the feedback I get from residents in care now is the care is second to none bar not being allowed to have tv's in their bedrooms, which we were allowed but under very strict conditions, this was all before smart tv's etc and even mobile phones were in their infancy in the country.

    The number 1 thing the state should have done I might add was put more effort into securing a roof over my head quicker than they did, if the same scenario occurred today it would not be allowed to happen, the reason I say this is I have met children who have come from similar backgrounds to my own with similar stories but they were placed in some form of care within hours either by the gardai or a social worker themselves. The critical part of it all is there was no out of hours social worker then and 20 years later it hasn't changed, these were some of the cracks I fell through at that time.

    I look back on my time in care with happiness honestly and became very emotional when I had to eventually leave as the relationships I had built with many of the staff was so close that they felt like family to me, even today I maintain semi regular contact with them, they openly share their phone numbers with me, places of abode and even take time out of their personal lives to meet with me and my children .


    The sadness and frustration come together to describe how my family treated the entire situation, while they did engage to an extent, it was on their terms or not at all, the care workers reluctantly agreed to this until one of them got in the middle of a dispute between myself and a family member one night that ended his career as a care worker due to a spinal injury received,then they pulled the plug altogether for safety reasons, thankfully it wasn't so severe that he could never work again, but just not in a high setting that is high tempered and volatile on a daily basis.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,323 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Thanks for doing this. I work with young people in care so it is really interesting having a now adult perspective on what it might be like for the kids I work with, albeit at a different time. You are really articulate, did you return to education?


  • Registered Users Posts: 603 ✭✭✭angeleyes


    Hi - your posts are beautifully written.

    I just hope you are happy now and in a very good place.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Thanks for doing this. I work with young people in care so it is really interesting having a now adult perspective on what it might be like for the kids I work with, albeit at a different time. You are really articulate, did you return to education?

    Hi Loveinapril, i'm very happy to be doing this. I have engaged with kids in one of the homes I was in and regularly interact with them. The most positive aspect from a child care worker's point of view is that I continue to call in, even with my children on the odd occasion and this is all witnessed by them (care workers). Naturally you get the odd question as to why I would ever want to go back and visit etc but that is all to be expected. Yes I did indeed, I have studied in various area's but must admit my biggest regret is not studying social care as I was too busy living my life once I entered independent living. While it is still something I have a strong desire for today, I am unsure if I could 100% commit when it comes to finances, my partner works, I work myself and we have children, so to try and fit a 3 year full time course in on top of that would be difficult, however I am exploring other possibilities such as night courses etc to help facilitate this. The residential care setting would definitely be something I would endeavour to do inside the next 5 years.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    angeleyes wrote: »
    Hi - your posts are beautifully written.

    I just hope you are happy now and in a very good place.

    Thank you angeleyes :)


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  • Registered Users Posts: 576 ✭✭✭mick malones mauser


    OP
    Despite your somewhat unfortunate start in life it would seem that things have worked out fairly well for you, employed,in a stable relationship, a parent and you seem to be an intelligent articulate person.
    Would you consider that to be typical outcome for someone who has been through what you experienced.
    The impression I have ( and it may be wildly inaccurate) is that many who come through the care system are "dumped " by the state at 18 and left to fend for themselves with little support.
    Anyhow, best of luck to you for scucceding against the odds to get to where you are now.


  • Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    Do you have other siblings? If so did your parents reflect them too?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    OP
    Despite your somewhat unfortunate start in life it would seem that things have worked out fairly well for you, employed,in a stable relationship, a parent and you seem to be an intelligent articulate person.
    Would you consider that to be typical outcome for someone who has been through what you experienced.
    The impression I have ( and it may be wildly inaccurate) is that many who come through the care system are "dumped " by the state at 18 and left to fend for themselves with little support.
    Anyhow, best of luck to you for scucceding against the odds to get to where you are now.

    Hi Mick,

    Thank you for your post :)

    Yes the first 13 years of my life were nothing short of a disaster.

    Absolutely, I am in a stable relationship, stable job, my children have stability in their lives having both parents there at all times, something which I never had, I grew up without both of my parents.

    The outcome I have experienced while not uncommon, was not something you would hear of very often.

    In relation to being "dumped" by the care system, that did happen, but not any longer in the vast majority of cases, there is an active care plan put in place prior to a young person being discharged from residential care, this involves an after care worker being assigned to the YP (Young person) and while supports are very frequent to begin with they are gradually reduced at a pace the YP can cope with, for some it is a matter of weeks, for others a matter of months, in my own case I was discharged aged 18 and returned for semi regular overnights for 2 years afterwards such was my close bond with the unit, the contact has remained to this very day.

    Thank you for your well wishes and indeed it has been a tough road to get where I now am unlike many of my contemporaries in that particular unit who have sadly since passed away.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Telly wrote: »
    Do you have other siblings? If so did your parents reflect them too?

    Yes I have other siblings, 1 full sibling and unknown amount of half siblings. My parents never married to each other, my father was married to another woman while having an extra marital affair with my mother. My mother had 3 children and retained the youngest for 6 years while myself and another sibling were not retained at all.


  • Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    Yes I have other siblings, 1 full sibling and unknown amount of half siblings. My parents never married to each other, my father was married to another woman while having an extra marital affair with my mother. My mother had 3 children and retained the youngest for 6 years while myself and another sibling were not retained at all.
    Did they try to place you in the same places or were you split up? How is your relationship with your siblings now?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Telly wrote: »
    Did they try to place you in the same places or were you split up? How is your relationship with your siblings now?

    We were all split up, I was of the belief I was an only child until I entered the care system, then I was informed my mother had 2 other children, 1 fostered, 1 adopted.

    My relationship with my siblings is non existent.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Well done OP for making it against all the odds, you should be very proud of yourself.

    I’ve been on a therapeutic childcare course run by a chap called Damien, who I would consider to be the godfather of residential care homes in Ireland. You met him?

    Can you remember your breakthrough moment when you realised that those looking after you in care were on your side and could be trusted?


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,296 ✭✭✭CPTM


    Hi OP, thanks for doing the AMA. It has been an interesting read for me.
    I had a couple of questions. You clarified the difference between a State care home and a foster family. Is there one which stands out as being better than the other do you think?
    Do you think going through the system would make a person more likely or less likely to foster a child? Or no difference? Is it something you would have considered if your circumstances were different and you weren't blessed with your own kids?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Well done OP for making it against all the odds, you should be very proud of yourself.

    I’ve been on a therapeutic childcare course run by a chap called Damien, who I would consider to be the godfather of residential care homes in Ireland. You met him?

    Can you remember your breakthrough moment when you realised that those looking after you in care were on your side and could be trusted?

    Hi Gloomtastic.

    Yes the odds were stacked highly against be back then, so much so the family put me on the scrap heap by not contesting a health board application for a full care order, thus removing me from their care entirely.

    From memory I don't recall a Damien offhand, if you care to PM the details I may be able to elaborate on that part.

    My breakthrough moment? Yes indeed, I recall it very well, even now as I type this, when the social worker announced that I was being placed in long term care, long term being anything from 6 months onwards I was told, but lasted much much longer.

    It was evident to the care staff that there was clear neglect from my appearance as I was dishevelled, I immediately settled in without any transition period at all, I merely had 3 weeks to get my head around the idea as team meetings between the care staff and their management plus the relevant paperwork needed to be signed off. My relationship. I consider myself to a mistreated dog back then, I trusted no one but as soon as mutual trust was built up with staff I quickly came out of my shell.

    One thing that I did find of interest was that a member of staff in the unit actually grew up with one of my maternal relations but knew the family as a whole having himself grown up in the locality, he was surprised at how I was treated from having read both the social work file on my case and also the reports from my time in a secure unit elsewhere in the country prior to my admission to the second unit.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    CPTM wrote: »
    Hi OP, thanks for doing the AMA. It has been an interesting read for me.
    I had a couple of questions. You clarified the difference between a State care home and a foster family. Is there one which stands out as being better than the other do you think?
    Do you think going through the system would make a person more likely or less likely to foster a child? Or no difference? Is it something you would have considered if your circumstances were different and you weren't blessed with your own kids?

    Hi CPTM.

    Truthfully residential care was better for me than the foster family setting.

    In the first foster family I was placed with, I was literally placed there 48 hours after being released from the secure unit which I found very distressing, when I arrived there I immediately knew it would not last, I was raised in the city all my life up to that point and the adjustment to country life was something I was unable to handle, not to mention the mistreatment, such as no phone calls, being put to bed at 6pm on a summers evening, forced to go to mass, being physically restrained by my then foster father who clearly had no TCI (Therapeutic Crisis Intervention) and actually hurt me in the struggle to free myself.

    I actually know of 3 current or former staff members who have or were foster parents in addition to their duty as child care workers, in one case a care worker ended up fostering one of my fellow residents upon his discharge from the home.

    I would consider it would make a person more likely to foster based on these circumstances.

    Now you will always get cases where the foster child is troublesome, like I was myself with my second foster family coming 1 week after running away from the first, and truthfully I loved the second family but ruined it for myself, my foster father was a self employed paving contractor, his wife a social worker for the blind, as it was the summer my foster father took me to work with him to give me some life experiences, which at 13 I had very few proper ones up to that point, I was given pocket money totalling £20 a week for my work, which was a lot of money to a child in the 1990's, I messed it up then one day by taking the keys of his car and attempting to move it, as a result of this I was removed by the gardai once the social work department opened and brought to the local health board offices in a garda car, the garda was very nice and understanding in fairness to him, and unlike now, the garda was actually alone in dealing with me, he was sympathetic to my situation and wished me well upon dropping me off.

    If it was just myself and my partner alone yes I would 100% have done it. When my own children are grown up, which is a long time away yet, I will most definitely register for it. I would always encourage those who are considering fostering a child to do it.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 14,325 ✭✭✭✭jimmycrackcorm


    How do you feel your own experience is reflected in the way you have your own kids now?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    How do you feel your own experience is reflected in the way you have your own kids now?

    My own experience with my own kids is that they are just that, kids, I don't give out to them for wrong doings, I don't beat them if they don't understand something, these were all the issues I had as a kid myself, i was a punch bag effectively, I adore my children and make sure they know that both mammy and daddy love them very much, this was something I never had and always vowed to use the negatives from my past and channel it into energy to give them a life I could have only dreamed of.


  • Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    Did grandparents or aunties or uncles not try to take you in? I’m just so shocked at how someone could do this to a 13 yr old child. You’re an amazing man and there’s not even the slightest hint of anger from you for what happened to you. You should be very proud of yourself.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Telly wrote: »
    Did grandparents or aunties or uncles not try to take you in? I’m just so shocked at how someone could do this to a 13 yr old child. You’re an amazing man and there’s not even the slightest hint of anger from you for what happened to you. You should be very proud of yourself.

    Grandparents were deceased and Aunts/Uncles had their own lives/children, I was an unnecessary liability to them. Some people have no conscience, even for one of their supposed own. If I am truthful there is anger there, not as much as there initially was but the anger still burns away in me. I am engaged with the relative services to help me deal with that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 395 ✭✭Gangu


    Are your parents alive. Have you communicated your disappointment with them to them? Thanks- well done you. You sound very grounded.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Gangu wrote: »
    Are your parents alive. Have you communicated your disappointment with them to them? Thanks- well done you. You sound very grounded.

    Hi Gangu and thank you for your question.

    My mother was absent from my life from birth until I was remanded in custody to a juvenile detention centre when I was 13, contact since then has been almost non existent. When I was in contact with her and asked those questions she just deflected away from them saying why am I always living in the past.

    My father is a man who I didn't meet until my mid 20's, he claimed no knowledge of me whatsoever and his wife went as far as to call my mother a prostitute, they both knew each other and did not get along, on this basis she insisted on a DNA test, fully certain that it would prove that I was not my father's son, the DNA was conducted and sure enough it came back that I was indeed his son. To his credit, he will answer any question I put to him, but it always appears to be well thought out and full of lies.

    My mother has said she just wants to live her own life and has no interest in engaging with me or my children unless it financially benefits her, I have text messages to support this also where she is asking me for money to come and see the children.

    My father equally has no interest in my children, only his children & grandchildren from both of his marriages.


    The children have met them both of my parents, my mother once & my father 3 times and are old enough to know and remember who they are, I have never hidden who they are and never will, if they wish to seek to meet them when they are older I will fully support that request.

    Yes indeed, I am now well grounded thankfully, there was a time where I wondered would it ever occur. Thankfully the lady I met saw the good in me and gave it a chance, we are now together nearly 12 years.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Interested to hear why you’ll wait for your kids to grow up before you’d consider fostering.


  • Registered Users Posts: 460 ✭✭Yoghurt87


    This is a very interesting AMA, OP, thank you for doing it.

    The UK and USA seem to be much quicker than Ireland to terminate parental rights in situations where it very unlikely that biological parents will ever be in a position to be fully responsible for the care of their children. The main intention of this is to protect the child from ongoing abuse and neglect, and offer them the chance of a permanent home through adoption. From your own experience, do you think Ireland should follow this example?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Interested to hear why you’ll wait for your kids to grow up before you’d consider fostering.

    I think it's only fair that I wait, rather than having to divide my attention between my own children and a foster child, I would rather focus solely on the foster child.

    When I was in the first foster family there was a total of 9 foster children plus 3 children of their own.

    In the second foster family, the foster parents had 2 young children, aged 5 & 6, throw an unstable 13 year old teenager into the equation and it can make for a living hell, especially for children at that age having to see gardai at their door due to a virtual stranger who lived with them for only a matter of days.

    The social worker in my case at the time was only appointed the week before this and admitted at a case conference some months later she underestimated my situation at that time.

    It is for these reasons I would rather wait until my own children are grown up to foster.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭ Nadia Some Trader


    I'm not the most tactful person so forgive me if my question is too blunt.

    I'm trying to understand what triggered these series of events in your life. It seems that at 13 years old is when you decided to "move on" but what I would like to know is why did this happen?

    It seems that your parents woke up one day and decided that from today you're the punching bag?


This discussion has been closed.
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