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Now ye're talking - to someone who's lived in a state care home

2

Comments

  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Yoghurt87 wrote: »
    This is a very interesting AMA, OP, thank you for doing it.

    The UK and USA seem to be much quicker than Ireland to terminate parental rights in situations where it very unlikely that biological parents will ever be in a position to be fully responsible for the care of their children. The main intention of this is to protect the child from ongoing abuse and neglect, and offer them the chance of a permanent home through adoption. From your own experience, do you think Ireland should follow this example?

    You're welcome Yoghurt87.

    Yes indeed, Ireland really needs to replicate that the USA & UK are doing.

    For example, my sibling was given up by our birth mother at 8 days old, he was placed in a foster home immediately to give my mother an opportunity to get some stability in her life, while to an extent this did happen, my brother was never reunited with my mother and it took 5 full years for the local health board to go to the high court and seek an adoption order, this was granted when the boy was 6 years old. As this process took so long, he had actually started school, they were unable to change the name he was given at birth, and as he had become accustomed to his forename, the same foster parents who became the adoptive parents only changed the middle and surnames.

    Also in relation to not allowing a repeat of these situations, Ireland lags yet again in this area, my mother had a third child whom she retained custody of until the child was of a school going age, despite my mothers well documented history, the health board made no attempt to monitor her and child number 3 was put into care.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,181 ✭✭✭Iang87


    Hi OP,

    Thanks for this incredible insight. Can I ask why you'd be willing to support your kids decision to seek out your parents when they're older, should they choose to?
    Thanks


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    I'm not the most tactful person so forgive me if my question is too blunt.

    I'm trying to understand what triggered these series of events in your life. It seems that at 13 years old is when you decided to "move on" but what I would like to know is why did this happen?

    It seems that your parents woke up one day and decided that from today you're the punching bag?

    Please feel free to ask whatever you deem necessary, leave emotion to one side during the questioning, that is what I am here for.

    In my head I never wanted to move on, in my heart there was no choice.

    I was the child who was never wanted, the child of a teenage mother who only had an interest in drink, drugs and sex with no regards for the consequences of her actions, my father just lived a double life, when he was supposed to be out supporting his family of his marriage, he was having sex with other girls/ladies whenever he could get it.

    I was not raised by my parents so I don't understand nor will I ever know what that feels like.

    My childhood was merely a case of being passed from pillar to post, when handed over to an aunt by the health board in those days it wasn't legal but was allowed to remain in place, I was never in the same bed for a full 7 nights from my earliest memory right up until aged 13.

    I was the punch bag for uncles and aunts when they became frustrated with their own children, while I did speak out on this to teachers in school it was never followed up on, if it were today it would take very little to invoke action from the relevant authorities.


    For all intents and purposes my family were and still are very dysfunctional.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Iang87 wrote: »
    Hi OP,

    Thanks for this incredible insight. Can I ask why you'd be willing to support your kids decision to seek out your parents when they're older, should they choose to?
    Thanks

    Hi Iang87,

    I am willing to support them in seeking out my parents because I myself never had grandparents plus I would like them to form their own opinion without listening to hearsay about why they don't see them.

    The option is there now also, and only once did they express any interest. I don't think they will be interested in seeking to meet with them however as they already have a large maternal family with both grandparents to which they are extremely close. I think it is only right that they should have the choice when they are older than having it made for them.

    If the shoe was on the other foot I would like to have the option to see for myself.


  • Registered Users Posts: 189 ✭✭setanta1000


    Hi OP,

    I have to say that the way you are answering these questions and the apparent lack of anger you hold towards those that put you in such a horrible position as a child is inspiring.

    Without wanting to give away anything that would identify you, do you work in a social / support role now or did you do something completely different......dunno what......maybe a chicken sexer....?

    On a kind of related note did your upbringing / background ever raise any barriers to you as you got older; like not getting opportunities, people assuming you would have a certain reaction or would be "trouble" or anything similar?


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  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Hi OP,

    I have to say that the way you are answering these questions and the apparent lack of anger you hold towards those that put you in such a horrible position as a child is inspiring.

    Without wanting to give away anything that would identify you, do you work in a social / support role now or did you do something completely different......dunno what......maybe a chicken sexer....?

    On a kind of related note did your upbringing / background ever raise any barriers to you as you got older; like not getting opportunities, people assuming you would have a certain reaction or would be "trouble" or anything similar?
    Hi Setanta1000,

    Yes I am able to manage my anger reasonably well, but as mentioned in an earlier post the anger still burns within me, just not as brightly as it did in previous years, maybe it is just old age now :pac:


    In relation to my current situation, I am an office worker but I have little or no face to face contact with the ordinary public in my role, a lot of it is online or telephone based.

    Yes my upbringing was difficult in the school classroom, the playground and even on the street, it was apparent to the kids I grew up with that I had no mother or father in my life as teachers weren't as sensitive to those situations as they are today.

    The one thing that did cause problems for me in my background which to this day still follows me around is the questions around my education, why was I expelled from school at 13, how did I manage to do my junior certificate if this occurred, equally my leaving certificate and how did I end up in college, along with this my education took place across the East and South of the country over a period of 5 years, again these were awkward questions to which I didn't feel so much as I had to explain myself, but I was open and honest that I was in state care homes, more than 1 of them, and I was education either internally by them or via an external source with close links to them, in a similar fashion to a boarding school type scenario but for juvenile offenders.

    I was ejected from mainstream secondary school after a mere 5 months, completely unable to cope with the excessive work load, this combined with no family assistance with any difficulties I had on top sleeping on couches/floors during the school transition didn't help as I had a chronic lack of sleep not helped by the beatings received for speaking out, all prior to being kicked out of the house for good.

    I looked over the very extensive files I hold copies of from my time in care since this thread began to look at where I was then to the person/partner/father I have now become and unless you knew me from that era and now you wouldn't think it was the same child who is now an adult.

    The one song that helps me reflect on my past is Oasis, don't look back in anger, which song people might find very unusual but it is true.

    There is a saying I was once told during my time in care that feeling guilty won't change your past and worrying won't change your future.

    If there is anything I haven't covered or forgotten please feel free to let me know, I will openly answer all questions irrespective of how sensitive they may be.


  • Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    Does your partner come from a “normal” upbringing? Was it hard or easy to tell her about your background?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Telly wrote: »
    Does your partner come from a “normal” upbringing? Was it hard or easy to tell her about your background?

    Yes she comes from a "normal" background and was raised with her parents/siblings.

    I didn't find it hard telling her my background but certainly didn't find it easy.


    To be truthful she didn't believe it herself initially until she seen the way I was treated by the family in front of her on the street one day. Once my family then realised who she was via a mutual connection (a former work colleague) they attempted to sabotage the relationship by bad mouthing me.
    My partners mother & father then realised who I was, knew the family and their own history going back many decades and said that they will judge me on my own merits and not the opinions of someone who clearly only has 1 agenda, to destroy my life due to their own bitterness.


  • Registered Users Posts: 520 ✭✭✭Telly


    That is so messed up. No offense but your family are arseholes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,723 ✭✭✭MightyMandarin


    Hey OP, I don't have much to say other than I'm glad everything seemed to work out for you in the end. My dad just retired a few months ago after working as a care worker in a home, just like the one you were in, for over 20 years.

    He says himself he kinda stumbled into the job and initially was met with suspicion by the health service because he's definitely overqualified for the job and isn't Irish, but tbh the job suited him perfectly as he's probably the calmest person I've ever met and has described some incredibly stressful situations he had there each day but never once did it get to him. He still keeps in touch with a lot of the lads who used to live there and some have gone on to be incredibly successful, while he's also had to visit some in prison or their funerals.

    I don't envy your upbringing one bit as I was blessed with two loving parents in a great home but I guess reading through this thread made me even more proud of my parents (my mam's also a care worker) for the work they do/did and the lives they helped.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Telly wrote: »
    That is so messed up. No offense but your family are arseholes.

    No offence taken Telly. I have said much much worse about them in the past, I am better off without them. I have my own family to concentrate on now and ensure history does not repeat itself in that manner.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Hey OP, I don't have much to say other than I'm glad everything seemed to work out for you in the end. My dad just retired a few months ago after working as a care worker in a home, just like the one you were in, for over 20 years.

    He says himself he kinda stumbled into the job and initially was met with suspicion by the health service because he's definitely overqualified for the job and isn't Irish, but tbh the job suited him perfectly as he's probably the calmest person I've ever met and has described some incredibly stressful situations he had there each day but never once did it get to him. He still keeps in touch with a lot of the lads who used to live there and some have gone on to be incredibly successful, while he's also had to visit some in prison or their funerals.

    I don't envy your upbringing one bit as I was blessed with two loving parents in a great home but I guess reading through this thread made me even more proud of my parents (my mam's also a care worker) for the work they do/did and the lives they helped.

    Hi MightyMandarin,

    I'm sure over the 20 years your father could tell you that no 2 days in that job were ever the same, but in the 20 years think about the positive input he contributed to young people's lives.

    Tell him from me as a former resident, that it is the likes of himself that help young people to make success stories of themselves, while not all young people go on to be successful, those who do and did are reliant on people like your dad to guide them.

    Care homes are amongst some of the most stressful places to work in and the stories your dad told you no doubt tally up with that.

    Good to hear that he still keeps in touch, it is very refreshing to hear that former staff are equally as interested in keeping in touch as some of the young people of the time like myself are.

    I have never visited prisons even though a number of residents I lived with are currently doing very long stretches for serious crimes, and funerals is another area that has touched myself, I attended the funeral of a care worker who tragically took his own life in recent years, he was a young man with young children and we would never have suspected it, the same gentleman was hugely influential to me and was a sort of mentor who was very popular with every one he knew and met.

    A husband and wife as care workers was something I only came across once before, and isn't hugely common, nor is the scenario I had where a mother, her son & daughter were all care workers in the same home where I lived, the mother has since retired while her children have continued in their roles.

    You had 2 very good role models in your upbringing and I am delighted to hear that :)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭ Nadia Some Trader


    Tactless person again with a lot of questions!

    I did a search on all of your posts and at no point do you use the word "friend". I read that your school years were not great because everyone knew your parents were not really there as parents and yet I want to believe that at some point in time you had at least one friend?

    It's fascinating how well you turned out given your destructive upbringing. I think it's easy to assume that anyone in your situation will "go bad" and yet here you are :) Would you consider yourself an outlier given how you managed to move on?

    Which begs the next question. Nature or Nurture? It seems to me your outcome lends more to your natural strength of will.

    Keeping in mind everything that you have been through, are you able to guesstimate how kids going through the same process you went through will turn out? Are there certain personality traits that hint at how they process all of it?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Tactless person again with a lot of questions!

    I did a search on all of your posts and at no point do you use the word "friend". I read that your school years were not great because everyone knew your parents were not really their as parents and yet I want to believe that at some point in time you had at least one friend?

    It's fascinating how well you turned out given your destructive upbringing. I think it's easy to assume that anyone in your situation will "go bad" and yet here you are :) Would you consider yourself an outlier given how you managed to move on?

    Which begs the next question. Nature or Nurture? It seems to me your outcome lends more to your natural strength of will.

    Keeping in mind everything that you have been through, are you able to guesstimate how kids going through the same process you went through will turn out? Are there certain personality traits that hint at how they process all of it?

    Please do feel free to ask as many questions as you like.

    In relation to my friends, yes I did have quite a few, there was a group of us there, 8-10 approximately of both genders.

    I've turned out fairly ok given my upbringing, what it shows is that after 13 the destruction ceased as I entered a stable environment for the first time in my life, while it didn't stop overnight and took time, it worked.

    An outlier where my family are concerned? Yes absolutely, they are of no beefit to me, in fact they never were if I am truthful, the careworkers & residents became my family once I was placed there and as mentioned earlier in the thread, my relationship with some of the care staff today is and has remained very strong when I moved to independent living, I would regularly get calls/texts/facebook messages from them, this is something my family have never done and are unlikely to ever do, they even know where I live and have never once called despite a cousin of mine living in a neighbouring estate.

    With regard to nature & nurture, it is in my nature to nurture my own children, I am very strong minded where will power is concerned.

    Each child is different no matter what their up bringing, I would be surprised to find 2 children who were raised in the same household turn out with identical lives, for this reason alone I am unable to guesstimate.

    On personality traits, that is a very good question but difficult to define in its own right, if you were to visit a care home and meet residents, each of them have their own personality that makes them unique, disruptive behaviour, attitude problems, or just general disobedience are usually a trigger in many cases, I know they certainly were in mine, I used violence towards my teachers and fellow pupils which led to being placed in care, this was traced back to mismanagement of my care in the home setting.

    In the majority of cases parents/guardians/carers do not raised children in their care to lead lives of a disruptive nature, which could be likened to a typical street devil house angel type setting.

    When I was in care/off the walls, whatever one would choose to call it, my friends didn't interact with me at all, in actual fact my friends were only just that in the school setting when I wasn't disciplined, the friendship only became closer and grew during my teenage years into the college years, after that we all went our separate ways, getting married, starting families, relocating due to work commitments, while we still do retain a friendship today it is a very moderate one, we don't go out for nights on the town, call to others houses, in actual fact my own children have struck up friendships with my friends children on the school grounds which is good, I should have added that when I do the school collections I would chat with them there but due to work this isn't always possible, i'm currently on annual leave for the next 2 weeks so have met with 1 or 2 of them this week which is great, once we got chatting it was like we were never away from each other.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭ Nadia Some Trader


    An outlier where my family are concerned?

    Thanks for the reply. It's an interesting read.

    By outlier I meant how you turned out in relation to others that went through the same thing you did.

    Would most children that live in state care end up "broken" (for lack of a better word), or are there more success stories than failures.

    --

    Do you believe your friends at school played a major role in your social development and do you think if you had no friends in school things would have turned out far differently for you?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Thanks for the reply. It's an interesting read.

    By outlier I meant how you turned out in relation to others that went through the same thing you did.

    Would most children that live in state care end up "broken" (for lack of a better word), or are there more success stories than failures.

    --

    Do you believe your friends at school played a major role in your social development and do you think if you had no friends in school things would have turned out far differently for you?
    No problem, you're welcome.

    I turned out better than some overall, in the long run rather than the short term. There were a few I lived with who turned out better inside the 5 years overall after leaving care such as better leaving cert results than me, were rated higher by some staff that they were going places in terms of their career, life in general, these same people are now convicts serving very lengthy sentences.

    It was the marathon not a sprint approach I used in looking at the outlook for my future.

    It was about 50/50 in terms of broken homes to unbroken homes, There were 2 individuals who are good examples of this, not only was I in secure custody with both, less than 4 months later I was joined one of them in the longer term care unit and was joined by the second soon after that, it felt like deja vu in one sense.

    Those 2 individuals came from good backgrounds where only the mother was the main carer due to the death of one father and the abdication of the other father, that aside they both lived with their respective mothers and other siblings, they were just very easily led, the end result for those 2 guys, now in their 30's is 1 has become delinquent and the other has returned to live with his mother after recently exiting a long term relationship which produced an child whom he stays in contact with to this day. They had similar upbringings but went through a very different crossroads in life.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Lots of mentions of your fantastic care workers but not much about your social worker(s).

    How did you get on with them?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Lots of mentions of your fantastic care workers but not much about your social worker(s).

    How did you get on with them?

    I got on very well with the social workers, the reason I don't mention much of them is because they were rarely ever around unless called upon, on top of that there was a regular change, I had 6 social workers in a 2 year period due transfers, maternity leave, career break, change of career.

    They were all female as well.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭Nokia6230i


    Lots of mentions of your fantastic care workers but not much about your social worker(s).

    How did you get on with them?

    Also for those of us who've had no experience of the system, what's the difference between a care worker and a social worker please?

    Thanks.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,323 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Nokia6230i wrote: »
    Also for those of us who've had no experience of the system, what's the difference between a care worker and a social worker please?

    Thanks.

    A social worker is kind of like the case manager. They would have a case load of X amount of children (sometimes around 20 kids) who would be in any manner of living situations (hostels, residentials, foster care). They work from an office and would look after funding, care review meetings, liaising with family, other professionals, arranging/ facilitating access visits, etc. A social care worker would be the person in the residential in charge of the day to day care of the child/ young person, so they would be the ones waking them for school, cooking for/ with them, teaching life skills, engaging in hobbies etc.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Nokia6230i wrote: »
    Also for those of us who've had no experience of the system, what's the difference between a care worker and a social worker please?

    Thanks.

    Hi Nokia6230i

    A social worker is the case worker for the child and could have upto 30 children assigned to them at once, so it is an almighty workload to get through on a weekly basis, the pressures of the job combined with expectations of parents of children in care can be big also, parents either don't realise or don't care that they have other children as part of their allocation but want their child to be given priority which one can understand to an extent but it isn't possible for a particular child to be given number 1 status, this has never been the case.

    A care worker is someone who does not have a job that is 9-5, they work days,nights, evenings,weekends,bank holidays, Christmas, new year and so on, and they are the people caring for the child on a daily basis, they in turn liaise with the social worker on a monthly basis or possibly less depending on the unit manager and their team requesting this, such as in reviews or case conferences, where social workers, their management team, care workers and their management plus psychologists, teachers and of course family and other professionals to work out a strategy or a care plan as it is officially known,what they want to see happen for the child, the progress to date, any additional needs or requirements during their stay in care. these are some of the many duties of a care worker.

    In the unit where I lived, the staff members worked to a 3 week roster, this roster includes 7 x 24 hour shifts in that time.


    During these 3 weeks they worked with a set team, once the 3 weeks were up, the teams rotated.


    In these teams there is a child care leader, formerly known as a house parent who was in charge of overseeing the running of the unit during their shift. these child care leaders always maintain the same roster unlike the child care workers who were formerly known as assistant house parents, they change shifts at the end of every 3 weeks and work with a different child care leader when changing over, it took 3 months or 12 weeks for this cycle to come back around and work with the child care leader they were previously working with.


    In this time there was also a shift that was known as a "float" an 8 hour shift from Sunday to Thursday that only assistant house parents worked, there are no overnights involved on this shift and the member of staff goes home each night unless circumstances warrant them staying overnight such as a member of staff being absent for a variety of reasons or the residents are behaving in a disruptive manner.

    Since my time in care these 3 week change overs have now become 3 month change overs in the modern day, the same principle applies other than that.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,861 ✭✭✭Nokia6230i


    Presuming the 3 month change is better than the 3 week one; from the childs perspective any way.

    Changing every three weeks, even if the team's the same, can still be a lot more disruptive since it's more regularly done.

    Also this bit "7 x 24 hour shifts in that time".......crikey!

    That's dangerous; even parking the employment aspect, imagine driving home after that?

    To know you've 7 of those to do in a 3 week period must be soul destroying; it would be for me and this would then play out in terms of treatment of children in care in terms of crankiness; maybe I just can't do 24 hours on the go for anything though!


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,323 ✭✭✭Loveinapril


    Nokia6230i wrote: »

    That's dangerous; even parking the employment aspect, imagine driving home after that?

    The 24 hour shifts include a sleepover though, so you would "clock out" and go to bed from 11pm/ 12pm til 7am or so then start again. When I did those shifts I would start at 12pm til 12.30pm the next day. When I worked in a more chaotic residential with live nights we did 13 hour shifts. They were soul destroying!


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Nokia6230i wrote: »
    Presuming the 3 month change is better than the 3 week one; from the childs perspective any way.

    Changing every three weeks, even if the team's the same, can still be a lot more disruptive since it's more regularly done.

    Also this bit "7 x 24 hour shifts in that time".......crikey!

    That's dangerous; even parking the employment aspect, imagine driving home after that?

    To know you've 7 of those to do in a 3 week period must be soul destroying; it would be for me and this would then play out in terms of treatment of children in care in terms of crankiness; maybe I just can't do 24 hours on the go for anything though!
    The 24 hour shifts include a sleepover though, so you would "clock out" and go to bed from 11pm/ 12pm til 7am or so then start again. When I did those shifts I would start at 12pm til 12.30pm the next day. When I worked in a more chaotic residential with live nights we did 13 hour shifts. They were soul destroying!
    Loveinapril is 100% correct regarding sleeping arrangements.
    Staff would "clock out" at 23:15 and "clock in" at 07:15.

    They didn't always go to bed at those times though, they used to regularly have a Video night or a DVD night as technology changed and could be going to bed at 02:00 or even 03:00

    If the residents were chaotic then going to bed was out the window, this was a regular occurrence for the first 2 years of my stay, including residents absconding for upto 4 months before being apprehended and returned to care.

    In one case there was a group of 3 boys involved, it took removing 2 of them from my unit and put into secure custody to halt the situation, there was even a child conceived in my unit during this as well as one of the boys slipped his girlfriend in through the bedroom window and we could clearly hear sexual intercourse taking place between them.

    In relation to the crankiness, it wasn't unheard of when staff were going to bed late and getting up early.

    There were staff who used to come in at 18:00 to commence a shift and finish the next morning at 09:00, this involved staying up all night while the other staff slept, it was discontinued during my stay.

    The 3 month staff team cycle is far more stable for residents than the 3 weeks change over, the shift pattern itself remains as a 3 week circle however, i'll give the pattern below,


    Week 1:

    Monday Late
    Tuesday Early
    Wednesday Day Off
    Thursday Day Off
    Friday Late
    Saturday Early
    Sunday Late


    Week 2

    Monday Early
    Tuesday Off
    Wednesday Late
    Thursday Early
    Friday Off
    Saturday Late
    Sunday Early

    Week 3

    Monday Off
    Tuesday Late
    Wednesday Early
    Thursday Late
    Friday Early
    Saturday Off
    Sunday Off


    That shift pattern remains in place to this day, with all shifts commencing at 12:00, during my stay it was 14:00, in the years subsequent to my stay this was pushed back to 13:00 and in recent years to 12:00.


    This was primarily done to accommodate staff who either travelled from different counties which was very common or indeed those with children, some staff drove over 2 hours each way prior to and after each shift to return home.

    This has declined in recent years as they have been redeployed to their home counties to take up new positions in units closer to their homes.


  • Registered Users Posts: 7,503 ✭✭✭Sinister Kid


    I think it's only fair that I wait, rather than having to divide my attention between my own children and a foster child, I would rather focus solely on the foster child.

    When I was in the first foster family there was a total of 9 foster children plus 3 children of their own.

    In the second foster family, the foster parents had 2 young children, aged 5 & 6, throw an unstable 13 year old teenager into the equation and it can make for a living hell, especially for children at that age having to see gardai at their door due to a virtual stranger who lived with them for only a matter of days.

    The social worker in my case at the time was only appointed the week before this and admitted at a case conference some months later she underestimated my situation at that time.

    It is for these reasons I would rather wait until my own children are grown up to foster.

    Hi OP,
    Thanks for the interesting AMA.
    I'm the opposite side of the coin to you. I was the biological child of the foster family & I could not agree with you more, you really hit the nail on the head with this answer.

    My parents got landed with quite a few difficult cases, I could write a book about some of the stuff I had to deal with. I don't have kids myself but if I did, based on what I went through, I would not foster while I was raising them.

    I have to say, I find it very interesting that we both have the same opinion on the matter.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 827 ✭✭✭ Nadia Some Trader


    Were there any moments in the years up to age 13 where you momentarily forgot the disaster you were in and had a few moments of happiness? Birthday parties for example. Where for just a moment everything was pleasant.

    --

    Was there a singular moment in your life where you realised that "this is it" and from here on things are only going to get better?


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Hi OP,
    Thanks for the interesting AMA.
    I'm the opposite side of the coin to you. I was the biological child of the foster family & I could not agree with you more, you really hit the nail on the head with this answer.

    My parents got landed with quite a few difficult cases, I could write a book about some of the stuff I had to deal with. I don't have kids myself but if I did, based on what I went through, I would not foster while I was raising them.

    I have to say, I find it very interesting that we both have the same opinion on the matter.

    But, unless you had kids very young, would you have the energy levels required to look after a foster kid once you’ve hit your late 50s/early 60s? Also, the advantage the kid(s) have growing up within a normal family environment cannot be underestimated.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Hi OP,
    Thanks for the interesting AMA.
    I'm the opposite side of the coin to you. I was the biological child of the foster family & I could not agree with you more, you really hit the nail on the head with this answer.

    My parents got landed with quite a few difficult cases, I could write a book about some of the stuff I had to deal with. I don't have kids myself but if I did, based on what I went through, I would not foster while I was raising them.

    I have to say, I find it very interesting that we both have the same opinion on the matter.

    Hi Sinister Kid,

    No problem at all, enjoying it immensely.

    I was in foster care myself with biological children of foster parents, but never heard them speak out, so it is equally as good to hear your side as it is for you to hear mine, it was always something I thought of, how do biological children perceive foster children.

    Did your parents put up with the difficult cases or were social workers contacted to have them removed?

    I find it is a challenging situation to deal with your own children while still young and then have children from disadvantaged/troubled backgrounds added to the equation.

    Raising the family first and then fostering is the preferable situation and it is good we both have near identical feels on it.

    Do your parents still foster?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    Were there any moments in the years up to age 13 where you momentarily forgot the disaster you were in and had a few moments of happiness? Birthday parties for example. Where for just a moment everything was pleasant.

    --

    Was there a singular moment in your life where you realised that "this is it" and from here on things are only going to get better?

    I had only 1 birthday party prior to 13, my 10th birthday, life felt brilliant then, even my communion & confirmation days were a disaster with hostility and you could feel it.
    In care I had a birthday party every year.

    My biological family were never short a few bob, just not willing to spend it on me unless necessary, outside the state payments that is, once I went into care the money was literally thrown at me as a cover up, me being oblivious to it all thought it was the best thing ever, only in the later years did I see it for what it was. It was basically to keep me away from the family home and try to make themselves look good to the care workers.

    The only real moment I thought things would get better is when I was informed I was going to see out my days as a minor in the care of the state, and that is exactly what happened. I loved state care though, while it did have downsides, the upsides outweighed them.


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  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    But, unless you had kids very young, would you have the energy levels required to look after a foster kid once you’ve hit your late 50s/early 60s? Also, the advantage the kid(s) have growing up within a normal family environment cannot be underestimated.

    One of our care workers was 60 fostering a 15 year old who was discharged from the unit into their care as a foster child, it did take it toll on the energy levels.


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