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Now ye're talking - to someone who's lived in a state care home

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Comments

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,475 ✭✭✭John_Rambo


    I had only 1 birthday party prior to 13, my 10th birthday, life felt brilliant then, even my communion & confirmation days were a disaster with hostility and you could feel it.
    In care I had a birthday party every year.

    My biological family were never short a few bob, just not willing to spend it on me unless necessary, outside the state payments that is, once I went into care the money was literally thrown at me as a cover up, me being oblivious to it all thought it was the best thing ever, only in the later years did I see it for what it was. It was basically to keep me away from the family home and try to make themselves look good to the care workers.

    The only real moment I thought things would get better is when I was informed I was going to see out my days as a minor in the care of the state, and that is exactly what happened. I loved state care though, while it did have downsides, the upsides outweighed them.


    Jesus. And I complain about things.... I've nothing to ask you to be honest, but I've nothing but admiration for you. I reckon you're one tough nut and by all accounts (reading between the lines and getting beyond your modesty) a great dad. How you bounced out on the flip side like you did is beyond me.


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    John_Rambo wrote: »
    Jesus. And I complain about things.... I've nothing to ask you to be honest, but I've nothing but admiration for you. I reckon you're one tough nut and by all accounts (reading between the lines and getting beyond your modesty) a great dad. How you bounced out on the flip side like you did is beyond me.

    Hi John,

    Thank you for your post and kind words. I believe I am tough mentally at least given what I have been through. I live alone for my children and will do everything in my power to ensure they don't get as much as a sniff of what I went through. Bouncing out on the flip side has been a success story but the lasting damage overall has been I am not susceptible to emotion in a way that many others would be, such as when people cry or shed tears at funerals, or indeed when they become parents, I am unable to fully explain it but I haven't shed a tear when my children were born, of course I wanted to make sure that mother and babies were fine, which they were,I've won praise from those who know me closest of the care workers for how I have conducted myself as a person,a father and as a partner in that time since leaving care. Funeral's is another one, I've been to 2 (both family) in the last decade and didn't feel any need to cry, become emotional or feel a sense of loss, it's like a switch in me that was turned off many years ago and was never turned back on, the beatings I took in the home (family home) combined with the mental and sexual abuse I was exposed to as a child completely sanitised my mind.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    it's like a switch in me that was turned off many years ago and was never turned back on, the beatings I took in the home (family home) combined with the mental and sexual abuse I was exposed to as a child completely sanitised my mind.

    I’m sure you’re aware that’s probably prosecutable. Your inner strength is admirable but you may need justice to be able to forgive and move forward. What stops you?


  • Company Representative Posts: 31 Verified rep I've lived in state care homes, AMA


    I’m sure you’re aware that’s probably prosecutable. Your inner strength is admirable but you may need justice to be able to forgive and move forward. What stops you?

    There was a case, it collapsed due to a legal error by the prosecution. I will never forgive those people if I am honest, I have moved on, had no contact with them and I am happy with how my life is now.

    Not a single phonecall,text,message on facebook or even a card in my door, they know where I live, i was nothing more than an inconvenience to them, i was often asked by people in later life was i the child that nobody wanted in terms of family, the answer is yes i was.

    How i found the strength i will never truly know, it wasn't like i just woke up one day and decided that's it, it was over time, i did try to reunify with some of the family for a few years after leaving care but was just in a corner twiddling my thumbs. Honestly though it doesn't bother me anymore, yes i do go to my local mental health clinic once every 6 months but i am in a good place, it is my children i feel sorry for only having one side of the family and some are still too young to fully explain what is going on, needless to say their mothers side of the family more than make up for my absent family. All i do is keep on smiling for my children day in day out, my motto is to have a positive mental attitude. :)


  • Boards.ie Employee Posts: 5,461 ✭✭✭✭✭Boards.ie: Mark
    Boards.ie Employee


    Thank you very much to our volunteer for talking about and sharing their experiences. And thank you all for your questions. As there's been no questions in a couple of days, I'll wrap this up.


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