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Now ye're talking - to a survivor of child sexual abuse

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,795 ✭✭✭Mrcaramelchoc


    I don't have a question but i just wanted to wish you the best of luck in life and i hope you've found peace.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Yes I also have daughters and I worried about stuff like this but you also can't live your life like that you'd drive yourself mad. My relationship with my mom is good, it wasn't her fault she had no idea what was happening, I just wish I had have told her sooner.

    So she believed you straight away? That must have been such a relief. Is your father still around? Did he confront your abuser(s) at all?

    Thank you for doing this AMA, you are incredibly brave.


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    I don't have a question but i just wanted to wish you the best of luck in life and i hope you've found peace.

    Thank you


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    So she believed you straight away? That must have been such a relief. Is your father still around? Did he confront your abuser(s) at all?

    Thank you for doing this AMA, you are incredibly brave.

    Yes she believed me straight away, it was a huge relief. I found it so hard to tell her because I knew it was going to ruin her life.

    Yes my Dad is still around, he did confront the abuser when I was 6 but he doesn't know about the other one.


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,398 ✭✭✭CheerLouth


    Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

    This sentence alone makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry you went through this. Sending you all the good wishes


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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,968 ✭✭✭McCrack


    Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

    I think the problem with the justice system is that the victim feels like they are the one on trial, they need to prove they are telling the truth instead of the abuser proving they are innocent and I feel like this is why people don't come forward. A huge percentage of abuse crimes are never reported and that needs to end. Take the Belfast rape trial for example, I know the men were found not guilty and that just needs to be accepted but they certainly were not innocent, the disgusting way that women was spoken about was vile, including in the court room, having her blood stained pants passed around the room, why would anyone want to put themselves through that.

    The police were involved in the case when I was 6 but he was never convicted, he has since died. Regarding the case of when I was 10-13 I have recently had a strength to go make a statement so I'm not to sure what will happen there yet.

    Sorry now but we have an adversarial system for good reason - the evidential burden of proof is and should always be on the prosecution.

    A person being accused of offences should never have to prove their innocence.

    And re your aspersions on the Ulster rape trial defendants. That trial went on for weeks and a jury sat through every day and listened to the evidence and observed the witnesses/defendants and came to a decision which you should respect.

    I think its a very dangerous mindset people now have when it comes to sexual assault allegations being made and the presumption of guilt and even after a trial and a not guilty verdict reached.


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    McCrack wrote: »
    Sorry now but we have an adversarial system for good reason - the evidential burden of proof is and should always be on the prosecution.

    A person being accused of offences should never have to prove their innocence.

    And re your aspersions on the Ulster rape trial defendants. That trial went on for weeks and a jury sat through every day and listened to the evidence and observed the witnesses/defendants and came to a decision which you should respect.

    I think its a very dangerous mindset people now have when it comes to sexual assault allegations being made and the presumption of guilt and even after a trial and a not guilty verdict reached.

    Thanks for the message, your entitled to your opinion just as much as I am entitled to mine.


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    CheerLouth wrote: »
    This sentence alone makes me sick to my stomach. I'm so sorry you went through this. Sending you all the good wishes

    Thank you


  • Registered Users Posts: 3,596 ✭✭✭lassykk


    I have nothing to ask either but just wanted to wish you the best of luck for the future
    Why she stuck by him I'll never know but she knew exactly what went on, she took my brother downstairs while he done what he done.

    This makes me sick to my stomach

    I hope the perpetrators of these horrible crimes and the wife that turned a blind eye suffer/suffered horrible deaths


  • Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭cuddlepunk


    Hi,you are amazing for doing this, I suffered abuse at the hands of a family member over a prolonged period. My question is, do you find you are over protective of your kids? I find I see danger everywhere and can trust very few people with them, just wondering is it the same for you?


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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    Wow, you are truly amazing to do this. I am blown away by your strength and courage. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and having seen my abuser sent to prison earlier this year, I finally feel at peace. I wish you and your family nothing but happiness for your future. Xx


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    lassykk wrote: »
    This post has been deleted.

    Thank you.


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    cuddlepunk wrote: »
    Hi,you are amazing for doing this, I suffered abuse at the hands of a family member over a prolonged period. My question is, do you find you are over protective of your kids? I find I see danger everywhere and can trust very few people with them, just wondering is it the same for you?

    I use to be very over protective, I have suffered with such bad anxiety where I also saw danger everywhere, I have a major issue with trust, I feel like everyone will hurt me eventually, it's very hard.

    I have spoke to the kids about respecting their bodies etc and saying no and so on. They don't know what happened to me, maybe I'll tell them when they are adults. I have never had a babysitter for my kids, that's one thing I could never to. I would only ever leave them with a grandparent.

    I hope your doing ok x


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    crazyb1tch wrote: »
    Wow, you are truly amazing to do this. I am blown away by your strength and courage. I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and having seen my abuser sent to prison earlier this year, I finally feel at peace. I wish you and your family nothing but happiness for your future. Xx

    Well done to you for sending him to prison, I hope I get justice some day so I can finally close that chapter.

    Also wishing you the best for your future, you can finally live now x


  • Registered Users Posts: 23,716 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34


    Thank you for your courage in doing this, I think its a valuable insight into the terrible reality for young victims of abuse at the time the abuse is happening and importantly what signs carers need to keep an eye out for.

    I know its such a forefront concern for parents now in ways it wasnt when i was young and any lessons that help parents focus on proactive protection without feeling helpless or making their kids feel overly anxious.

    You mentioned in different posts, that you know a few teenage boys you would be happy to have watch your kids, but that you'd never had a babysitter for them and would only let them be minded by their grandparents. Im not trying to put you on the spot, but does that mean you would in fact be very reluctant to leave them with teenage boys or even male relatives and friends of yours?

    I know its a harsh enough prejudice against all young lads, but to be very honest, in the modern day where teens are exposed to porn, early sexualisation and unhealthy examples of sexual dignity and realtionships, even as someone who was thankfully never abused, I myself would only leave my kids in the care of a teenager in an absolute emergency, for the protection of both parties and for my peace of mind.


  • Company Representative Posts: 22 Verified rep I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse, AMA


    Larbre34 wrote: »
    Thank you for your courage in doing this, I think its a valuable insight into the terrible reality for young victims of abuse at the time the abuse is happening and importantly what signs carers need to keep an eye out for.

    I know its such a forefront concern for parents now in ways it wasnt when i was young and any lessons that help parents focus on proactive protection without feeling helpless or making their kids feel overly anxious.

    You mentioned in different posts, that you know a few teenage boys you would be happy to have watch your kids, but that you'd never had a babysitter for them and would only let them be minded by their grandparents. Im not trying to put you on the spot, but does that mean you would in fact be very reluctant to leave them with teenage boys or even male relatives and friends of yours?

    I know its a harsh enough prejudice against all young lads, but to be very honest, in the modern day where teens are exposed to porn, early sexualisation and unhealthy examples of sexual dignity and realtionships, even as someone who was thankfully never abused, I myself would only leave my kids in the care of a teenager in an absolute emergency, for the protection of both parties and for my peace of mind.

    I have friends who have teenage boys who are lovely lads with their heads screwed on, if I had to leave my kids with one of them I wouldn't worry to much, I have never had to though as a grandparent is always available. My eldest is 16 now so I don't really need babysitters anymore anyway. My anxiety was so bad I didn't go out socially for 3 years but I am much better now


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 84 ✭✭MagicThree18


    Nokia6230i wrote: »
    That bit; I'll never understand it; it's like there's no empathy towards the victim.

    It's telling the victim they don't matter, that they're not being believed.

    Any idea why she stuck by him; how did he explain it?

    My father was tried and convicted of committing child sexual abuse. At the time there would have been people that thought that my mother, indeed all of us, "stood by him". In reality it was a lot different.

    My mother subsequently said that her marriage and romantic relationship with my father ended the day she found out. But she found it within herself to be with him through the criminal process and to assist him in accepting responsibility for what he did. After that they were separated, then divorced. My Mam never skirted around the crime that he committed, but at the same time she spoke regularly about happier times in our house and her marriage.

    I think her situation was complicated somewhat by the fact that my father had been brutally abused as a child, by an Irish priest, while living in England. My earliest memories at home are of my father waking up screaming and running up and down the stairs, crying and terrified, in a kind of sleep-walk. That doesn't condone his own actions, but my Mam knew the full extent of what he experienced and I don't think she could ever fully remove her support of him because of that.

    It's a very difficult thing. There were times when she was suicidal, long periods of depression, times where she hated him and cursed ever meeting him. Then there were times when she'd be looking at old photos of him and reminiscing, even at a time when she'd moved on and met my step-father, a wonderful gentleman.

    My own situation was something similar. Periods of depression, suicidal thoughts, complete withdrawal from my social circle. Shame. Then, for some reason, I decided I wanted to know who my father was, and I slowly and deliberately rebuilt the relationship. I could never forgive him for what he did. It's not mine to forgive. But I was able to forgive him solely for how his actions damaged my life.

    Anyway, all of that is just to say that appearances can be deceptive. I've no doubt that people, maybe even friends of mine, would wonder why we just didn't sever contact with him on the day we found out and never look back. But they wouldn't have seen the existential hold the entire thing had on us for decades. Trying to understand, define and re-define ideas such as love, family, forgiveness.

    In terms of having sympathy for the victim, there are people that stand by the abuser, stick their head in the sand, and almost treat the victim as the guilty party. That is absolutely reprehensible. My father's victim was always in our thoughts. We lived in a small town and knew her family and friends, so it was awkward, to say the least. We'd bump into her and we were always at pains to strike the correct balance, for want of a better expression. We didn't want to get close and make her feel uncomfortable, but at the same time we didn't want to appear to be avoiding her, because she'd done nothing wrong.

    One of the happiest days of my life occurred a few years back. I met her abroad while on holiday, just a chance meeting. She was there with her husband and young family. She'd pulled through it all and created a lovely, loving life for herself. We spoke openly about what had happened, how it effected her, how it effected me (in a comparatively very minor way). She even offered her condolences for my father, who had recently passed, and said she'd prayed for him (an act of Christian forgiveness that, as a non-believer, left me speechless).

    Anyway I don't mean to derail the thread with such a long post, but the OP's bravery and frankness have got me thinking back over an aspect of my family life that I'm not always brave enough to confront.


  • Registered Users Posts: 893 ✭✭✭PLL


    Hi, can’t read any of this because I was also abused too, and it’s just too much for me atm. Just wanted to send some grá from one of us to another. Hope you found a little peace. Well done on sharing your story.


  • Registered Users Posts: 33,137 ✭✭✭✭Penn


    I was wondering if there is any advice you'd give to people in the event that they found out their child had been abused? Not in terms of gardai etc, but how to treat their child. What did your family members do that you found most helpful and comforting? Is there anything you wish they would have done or not done?


  • Registered Users Posts: 11,812 ✭✭✭✭sbsquarepants


    My parents knew about the first time when I was 6. The second time I only told my mom, my dad still doesn't know. My parents had divorced by the time the second time happened.

    Regarding signs to look out for it's a tough one because I am sure everyone is different but maybe not wanting to be left alone with certain people that they were once ok with being with. Changes in behaviour, acting out angry etc.

    Firstly - I hope you're doing ok, no one should ever have to go through anything like that.

    Secondly - I've been thinking for the last hour whether to type this or not, the absolute last thing I want to do is up set you - but why did / do you not tell your father? I'm a father and I would absolutely hate if one of my kids kept something like that from me.


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  • Registered Users Posts: 28,003 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko


    Sorry for your trouble, OP.

    Did you ever consider going public? A friend is considering going to the press with details of historic sexual abuse, partly as a way to help bring closure to a legal case against the organisation concerned. I'd love to see him getting justice, but I'm concerned about how going public might affect his mental health.


  • Registered Users Posts: 8,248 ✭✭✭Gloomtastic!


    Sorry for your trouble, OP.

    Did you ever consider going public? A friend is considering going to the press with details of historic sexual abuse, partly as a way to help bring closure to a legal case against the organisation concerned. I'd love to see him getting justice, but I'm concerned about how going public might affect his mental health.

    Going to interject and suggest, unless there is a newsworthy element to either of your stories ie either the abused or abuser is a public figure, then you would probably be wasting your time and feel even more rejected. It is estimated that one in four children have suffered sexual abuse, the press unfortunately will not be interested.


  • Posts: 18,749 ✭✭✭✭[Deleted User]



    The police were involved in the case when I was 6 but he was never convicted, he has since died. Regarding the case of when I was 10-13 I have recently had a strength to go make a statement so I'm not to sure what will happen there yet.

    did you or your mother not report her partner for abusing you, at the time you told her?
    to either social workers or Gardai ?


  • Boards.ie Employee Posts: 12,597 ✭✭✭✭✭Boards.ie: Niamh
    Boards.ie Community Manager


    Thanks so much to our volunteer for taking the time to answer questions about what must be a very difficult and private subject.

    I'll close this one up now. Thanks for the questions too guys.


This discussion has been closed.
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